Romantic Movies Ruined By An Accurate Depiction Of Seasonal Allergies
Brokeback Mountain
Jack Twist is saddling up his horse when he spots fellow shepherd Ennis Del Mar brooding on a hillside. Jack approaches and flirtatiously lassos Ennis. The two men proceed to tussle in the long grass, grunting and rutting, then sneezing and itching. Ennis jumps to his feet, his eyes all red and puffy. “I ain’t hay feverish,” he mutters bashfully. Jack wipes his nose, hocks a loogie, and says, “Hell, me either.” Both men slink off back to their horses and never speak of the incident again.
Witness
Detective John Book is tinkering with his car radio while Amish widow Rachel Lapp watches on. The air inside the hay barn is thick with sexual tension, forbidden desire, and microscopic grass-based allergens. Book sneezes. He glances up at Rachel and asks if she has any Benadryl. Rachel has never even heard of Benadryl — or any other non-drowsy antihistamines for that matter. This powerful scene reaffirms the unbridgeable gulf between their two worlds.
Days of Heaven
The high pollen count (it’s July in the Texas Panhandle) causes all the main characters to break out in hives. Rendered unattractive and crotchety, the ill-fated love triangle between Bill, Abby and the Wealthy Farmer never really gets off the ground. The film is largely conflict-free and over within eleven minutes.
You’ve Got Mail
In the film’s denouement, a struggling independent bookseller arranges to meet the person she’s been exchanging flirty messages with online. While waiting at the agreed location — a botanical garden on Manhattan’s Upper West Side — the bookseller’s allergies are triggered. By the time the mystery man turns up, her eyes are so weepy and inflamed that all she can see is a blurry shape shouting “Brinkley!” The film is a tragicomic cautionary tale about nasal spray.
The Notebook
After seven years apart, a wealthy Southern Belle goes boating in the rain with her estranged ex-boyfriend. They soon rekindle their relationship. But when she goes in for a kiss, he pulls away, warning her that his sinuses are acting up. She tells him that allergy season is over. But he insists it isn’t over for him it — it still isn’t over.
Twilight
Pasty, sensitive-skinned lovers Bella and Edward lie down together in a wildflower meadow. They both develop such intense rashes that Bella doesn’t even notice that Edward’s vampire skin is sparkling in the sunlight.
