Rule Changes For The 2022 NFL Season
Make football chaste again.
The NFL and the NFL Competition Committee — comprised of owners, managers, players, and the media — is committed to protecting players from unnecessary risk, while keeping the sport fair, exciting, and free of on-field courtships, affairs, and casual hookups that may affect game outcomes.
Fouls During Try Attempts:
· Fouls during a point-after attempt cannot be negated — even if they allow a team to attempt a different point-after try option, or if the foul is romantic in nature.
Game Officials Receiving Assistance From Replay Officials
· The Committee has further expanded role of the Replay Official to advise the On-Field Officials on specific aspects of play, including flirting (now, a dead-ball, five-yard penalty), reciprocated flirting (similarly, a dead-ball, five-yard penalty), and any use of foreign objects or substances (e.g. love pheromones, hypnotic coins, body chocolate, etc.).
· The Replay Official will be able to administer a five-yard flirting penalty on any overtly targeted instances of hot breath seeking the nape of an unsuspecting opponent’s neck, a breath dripping with that warm enveloping heat, ever-inviting, as if to say, “Hey, you in the bare midriff, what if our kind of love is supposed to break all the rules?”
Bare Midriff Amendment
· Any player sporting more than three fingers of exposed midriff will be given a warning and asked to rectify their wardrobe choices. A second infraction will be a five-yard “baiting” penalty, as this promiscuous presence poses a threat to the ability of the other men and the spectators to properly maintain focus on the sanctioned aggression.
Dogpile Reform
· The NFL and the Competition Committee will attempt to limit seductions within these, unfortunately ubiquitous, “dogpiles” consisting of three of more consenting men in tight pants tackling one another in a sweaty, salty heap while they grunt together, celebrating each other’s virility.
· The NFL will strive to eliminate all forms of tickling or caressing within these dogpiles, no matter how welcomed or reciprocated. After witnessing firsthand in 2021 how, even the slightest pet or strategically enacted nuzzle, can signal that, “Hi there, you, you hulking behemoth with kind eyes; I, too, am all aflutter on the inside from our afternoon of friction and fight-hugging.” The game’s integrity cannot weather these player revelations or inklings that maybe scoring football points doesn’t matter and that, perhaps, this athletic stranger, who hasn’t yet asked me to stop stroking his inner thigh, is, also, a wayward traveler lost within this hyper-masculine hellscape.
· Officials will be asked to take note of odors, to ensure players have not been slathered in any homebrewed love poultices. The League remains steadfast in our resolve to rid the game of this affectionate scourge, despite concerns from the Players Association, that this monitored seriousness can make any on-field romance even more deviant, ipso facto “hotter.”
· Player lingering within a dogpile — even in cases of serious, skull-thrashing injuries — will be met with a ten-yard penalty for “attempting to erotically barter.” The NFL and the Competition Committee do not want players even daring to cross that flashpoint, where the ember that’s been burning inside you for the past fifteen years has, at long-last, been properly stoked; and that fire doesn’t care that you had once turned your back on it — and tried in vain to satiate that part of yourself with enough money, grappling, and horseplay — but here you are, thinking that there might be more to life.
Coin-Flip Regulation
· Officials will face discipline and suspension now for any coinflip “gags,” no matter how inevitably viral the video.
