Rules For Our Venue’s All-Inclusive, All-Night, Luxury New Year’s Eve Party

Colin Heasley
Dec 28, 2018 · 3 min read
Image via Pixabay

Please join us at GARY’S FiDi for a night to remember as we close out the old year and usher in the new with a few hundred of our most dear acquaintances. This is an Exclusive All-Night Luxury Event, so please be aware of the following restrictions so you can be your best self this NYE!

The party takes place at our FiDi and WeHo Locations. You must hire a doppelgänger to attend both, or face blacklisting from future events.

The theme is strict 60s / 70s / 80s glamor. If you do not show up looking like a combination of Edie Sedgwick, Donna Summer, and George Michael, you will be shown the door. Carson Kressley to judge via Portal from Facebook.

The event is BYOB. At the door you will be asked to demonstrate appropriate bourgeios condescension towards your chosen BYOB beverage, and then convincingly throw it at a server. From this point on, an open bar is provided, but every drink contains pickle juice.

Speaking of servers, you are expected to cultivate a dom-sub relationship with at least one of the waitstaff in advance — we find this makes for an exciting underlying tension. Speed-matchmaking will be facilitated at a separate event, which is mandatory.

A prix fixe five-course dinner will be provided. Any allergies should be written down on a small origami crane and mailed to the chef in advance at his minimalist gastro-fusion restaurant in Norway. Doing so does not guarantee your accommodation, but we will burn the requests in a prayer ceremony and hope for the best.

There is an interactive digital component to the event, so be prepared to download an app that will allow you to engage with a pop-up virtual chatroom where your Twitter, Snapchat, Tinder, and OnlyFans uploads aggregate as the night progresses. The point of this is to create a big collage that will be projected on a wall throughout the event, which we think is pretty dope.

There is a yacht. We aren’t sure how or if it will be put to use, but we’d like you to know that we have it.

We are employing a team of acrobats to entertain the audience, and they will at one point fake a grievous injury. This is not cause for alarm — the acrobats are professionals — and in fact is an opportunity to observe your plus-one’s reaction and figure out if they are a sociopath.

The DJ is very sensitive and cannot be spoken to or he will climax. Please respect his wishes and the experience of your fellow partygoers.

We have a strict protocol when the clock strikes midnight, at which point all attendees must engage in a three-way kiss. Then, facing the moon, guests will be prompted to throw arms in the air and exclaim: ‘Sapiosexuals!’ Champagne will be served.

Do not expect to leave until four hours after midnight, minimum — you will find the doors locked. This is an Exclusive All-Night Luxury Event and we are not joking.

To attend, contact with a clear face picture and proof-of-enrollment of yourself or your firstborn in an elite pre-school program (if you do not know which programs qualify as elite, yours certainly wasn’t).

Ticket price upon request.


Medium humor. Large laughs.

Colin Heasley

Written by

Writer: McSweeney’s, The Offing, Electric Literature.



Medium humor. Large laughs.

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