Rules for Using Cast-Iron Cookware

Evan Allgood
Jun 25, 2018 · 3 min read
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Congratulations on acquiring your first piece of cast-iron cookware, presumably as a wedding gift or in a drunken two a.m. Amazon spree when you were feeling particularly “mature.”

Cast-iron is the Cadillac of cookware, but there are a few eensy weensy guidelines to go over before cementing your status as some sort of flapjack monarch. Don’t worry! These rules are totally logical and easy to follow. Everyone says so.

1. Do not clean your cast-iron cookware.

Normally it’d be disgusting to not scrub the thing you make quiche in, but cast-iron, uh… cleans itself with its own oils! The oil forms a seal in the pan that keeps dirt out, because science. Yep, just give that day-old lasagna a gentle wipe with a dry paper towel, and the pan will be good as new, we swear.

Then, after each use, coat your cast-iron cookware in even more grease — you know, to keep it clean. Nothing counterintuitive or weird about that!

2. Do not let the cast-iron touch your other cookware.

Oh, you want to store your cast-iron in the cupboard with every other pot and pan you own? And here we thought you were an adult human with a fully formed brain.

Do you have any idea how sensitive cast-iron is? One glance from a stainless steel pan and it will crumble into a heap of crushed hopes. One whisper from the aluminum and it will be but an inkling of a memory of a dream of a better life, one where you were not such a monumental screw-up.

Cast-iron is the purest of all possible cookware. Instead of nesting this rock-hard culinary Adonis in a filthy pile of imperfections, maybe you should do the world a favor and nest yourself in the garbage.

Ok, this is all perfectly reasonable so far, onto Rule #3!

3. Do not put your cast-iron cookware in or near sunlight.

If light hits the cast-iron, it will instantly rust and die.

No light and no cupboards! What is hard about this?!

4. Do not use the cast-iron after midnight.

Late night cooking is liable to keep your loved ones or roommates up, especially if you’re making one of your “famous” tilapia grilled cheeses.

Oh, also, if you use the cast-iron after midnight, it will encase itself in an oily cocoon before emerging a few hours later as a scaly, mischievous pot-goblin that wants to raise absolute hell in your building. Pot-goblins seem cute at first, but they can get pretty violent. (People have died.)

Really thought most of this stuff was self-explanatory!

5. Do not under any circumstance let the cast-iron come into contact with water.

If you get the cast-iron wet, the pot-goblins multiply. Duh-doy.

6. Do not use your cast-iron cookware.

Yeah, the cast-iron is really more of a conversation piece.

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Evan Allgood

Written by

Writer for Daily Shouts, McSweeney’s, The Millions, Paste

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Evan Allgood

Written by

Writer for Daily Shouts, McSweeney’s, The Millions, Paste

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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