Russian State Media On Rumors Of McDonald’s Closures
Citizens of Russia: rumors of McDonald’s suspending operations in our nation are false. In fact, you are eating a Big Mac right now. Feel your teeth sink into its fresh buns. If anyone suggests your burger is in fact cabbage soup, report them to the Federal Security Service immediately.
You are treating yourself to fast food after a rewarding day at your well-paying job. Your boss respects you and does not demand bribes. He too is eating McDonald’s. You ran into each other in the PlayPlace tubes and bonded over how easy it is to buy Nikes. You clinked your brand-new Air Force 1s together as if toasting champagne and sang the State Anthem through mouths full of fries.
Ronald McDonald has defected from McDonaldland to protect Donbass. His clown makeup serves as camouflage against smoke and flame as he liberates oblast after oblast in a custom McTank, firing Happy Meals into apartment complexes. The children of Kharkiv are thrilled to see Ronald, just as they are to see the Russian flag flying above their intact schools run by alive teachers.
The wicked Hamburglar is aligned with Ukraine. He and his NATO masters are spreading lies that McDonald’s is an American company. Do not be fooled by this Western thief and homosexual. McDonald’s is in fact a Russian company, founded in 1945 by Vladivostok Minister of Culture Raygey Krokov. The Golden Arches logo depicts a sunrise and sunset over Siberia, set in red and yellow to honor the Soviet flag. To commemorate this truth, President Vladimir Putin has changed Russia’s national dish to the McRib, and will distribute a personally-engraved McFlurry machine to each citizen. Oreo and M&M flavors will flow from ice cream treatment facilities constructed with giant surpluses of stable currency.
Thanks to McDonald’s low-calorie options, you will grow thin in the coming months. Your body fat percentage will plummet as our economy soars, leaving you ready for swimsuit season. If you find yourself hungry, remember that only five minutes ago, you enjoyed a Fruit ‘n Yogurt Parfait. If you have no memory of having a parfait, please refer to the official position of the Russian Federation: you just wolfed down a parfait.
Do not attempt to visit McDonald’s, as franchises are too successful and lines are hours long. Do not try to find work at McDonald’s, as you are satisfied with the life you lead now. McDonald’s hours have changed: they are closed when you want it and open when you don’t. Searching for further information about McDonald’s is punishable by death.
