San Francisco: Now Accepting Applications From Sister Cities

Thanks for your interest in becoming San Francisco’s sister city. We ask that you respond to a few preliminary questions below so that we may judge you unmercifully and quickly dismiss your application. Good luck!

Why do you want to be San Francisco’s sister city?

1. Improved Google ranking
2. Rejected by Brooklyn
3. To get some of those cool Irish coffee mugs
4. Airbnb discounts

Do your hobbies include any of the following?

1. Believing in God
2. Gun polishing
3. Midwestern conventionalism
4. Philately

Which of the following best describes you?

1. Near San Francisco
2. San Francisco-esque
3. 420 Friendly
4. UNICEF disaster zone

If a citizen called to complain about an issue, how would you handle it?

1. Ignore it
2. Create an artificial intelligence robot to deliver insincere condolences at 100 pps (promises per second)
3. Blame artificial intelligence
4. Write an Open Letter

San Francisco suffers a cataclysmic catastrophe — the whole peninsula can’t get a decent wifi connection. What do you do?

1. Airdrop meals and enough Internet for people to Yelp about the food.
2. Destroy the rest of the world’s Internet to create a problem for Silicon Valley to fix
3. Build a giant iPhone and hover it over the city with helicopters to create the ultimate tethered connection
4. Declare yourself the new San Francisco

What is the perfect size for a city?

1. 7x7 feet
2. 7x7 pounds
3. 7x7 miles
4. 7x7 millimeters

Which of the following is your biggest weakness?

1. Not having an island prison for a Nicolas Cage movie
2. Having an island prison for a Nicolas Cage movie
3. Lack of any sort of prisons for new Nicolas Cage movies
4. Nicolas Cage

Walmart approaches your city with a plan to open a store. How do you react?

1. You welcome the growth and prosperity
2. You pay a startup five-hundred million dollars to create a Walmart that resembles an independently owned mercantile
3. You hold a town hall meeting at the the Ritz-Carlton. Guest limit 100
4. You let Walmart open, but airlift your city to a more civilized elevation.

In 5 years, do you see yourself as a city with more:

1. Earthquakes
2. Decompression parties
3. Street kids
4. Trollies

San Francisco is out of money (haha) and we desperately need a loan from you. How do you transfer the money?

1. PayPal
2. Venmo
3. SisCharge (a payment app your city develops, so our back-end gurus can tear it apart after accepting the money)
4. You don’t, because you know it must be a trick

Rank these cities in order of awfulness

1. Los Angeles
2. Los Angeles
3. Los Angeles
4. Hollywood

Which of these sporting events do you agree to never host in your city?

1. NASCAR
2. Motocross
3. Anything involving Duck Dynasty
4. Wet t-shirt contest

You come to a fork in the road. Do you?

1. Take the road less traveled
2. Stick to the normal road
3. Build an electric car freeway over the road
4. Start a brunch restaurant called “Fork In The Road”

Which of these words offends you the most?

1. Republican
2. Hooters
3. Corn syrup
4. Cargo shorts

Some people believe San Francisco fosters an environment of social injustice and unbridled avarice. How would you alter that perception?

1. Sequester the homeless in AT&T park when the Giants aren’t playing
2. Transform public spaces into Initial Public Offering Spaces
3. Provide minorities with zip-up hoodies and messenger bags
4. Build a secret, more expensive version of San Francisco underground

Congratulations! You completed the first portion of the application process. If you make it through this round, your citizens will be asked to pledge allegiance to Patagonia and to pass a drug test. If no one tests positive for ecstasy or marijuana your application will be immediately revoked.

Thanks to

Amanda Rosenberg

for edits and Simon Child for the icons