Scientology For Millennials
Or: How you’ll learn to stop worrying and love the tiny alien inside of you
Hello, and welcome to the Millennial Recruitment Wing of the Church of Scientology. In many ways, we Scientologists are just like you. We, too, are upset with the current tax system, which is why we politely threatened the IRS to exempt us from all taxes as a religious institution. We, too, dream of a world with universal healthcare that covers the costs of extensive psychological auditing.
You’re finally ready to settle down with a live-in boyfriend and a cat, so why not settle down with us too?
If you need any further persuasion:
1. Being locked in an isolated cabin with a stranger is a great alternative to Tinder.
Tired of creating cheesy new pickup lines? Fingers numb from scrolling and swiping? Fear not! The great thing about being locked away for treason against the Church is that it gives you plenty of time to reflect upon your love of Scientology with your new roommates. It also helps that the lack of food and clean drinking water in these luxury cabins creates a very romantic form of desperation comparable only to The Bachelor franchise.
If you thought you were only into tall guys with beards, you’re guaranteed to feel differently by year two of sharing a twin bed with Daryl, the 60-year-old mechanic who joined Scientology on a drunken bet.
2. Student debt? No problem. We’ve got Tom Cruise!
Tom has not yet committed to paying off the millions of dollars of existing debt and lawsuits weighing upon Scientologists, but we know his heart is in the right place. With a bit of light hypnosis to the Mission Impossible theme song, he’ll be ready to lay down his Top Gun money for all of us.
Tom has been informed that making this generous donation will secure him a spot as a “Cleared Theta Clear,” meaning the alien “thetan” inside of him will get his own celebrity status. We have yet to convince Tom that donating all of his money to us instead of a cancer charity is the correct decision, but we guarantee that after we mine his subconscious for repressed father-related trauma, it’ll be a real no-brainer.
3. Our spiritual leader was into all the best drugs.
You may think your one-night cocaine bender in college was epic, but may we introduce you to a certain L. Ron Hubbard? Our founder was not only a sex addict (love is love!) but took substance abuse beyond Keith Richards proportions. In a divine, phenobarbital-inspired calling, Hubbard devised the holy pillars of Scientology: aliens, eternal life, and awesome nondisclosure agreements!
How cool would it be to tell your suppressive person friends that your prophet blacked out on yachts and could write an entire sci-fi book in a single sitting on fatal levels of stimulants? L. Ron was like the top-dog of every frat in America.
4. You’re never alone when you’re infested with a thetan.
The millennial gig economy can be a lonely affair, but only if you’re unenlightened to the thetan living inside your soul like a giant tapeworm. These things are trillions of years old, meaning you’ll never again have to endure the embarrassment of boomers rattling on about “your generation.” Guess what? We’re all ancient beings, buddy!
Also, who cares if your friends and family members all dropped you when you tried to convert them to Scientology? Your thetan is much cooler anyway.
5. Did we mention Tom Cruise?
The man doesn’t age!
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