Scientology Or My Three-Year-Old?

Leslie Ylinen
Sep 17 · 1 min read
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Photo by Jakub Kriz on Unsplash
  1. Inexplicably obsessed with large ships.
  2. Needs to be told, “STOP JUMPING ON THE COUCH!”
  3. Loves taking vitamins and thinks they cure everything.
  4. Disappearances in public are common.
  5. Keeps repeating a nonsensical story about alien overlords and frozen space volcanoes and really needs to cool it for a second so I can hear myself think.
  6. Thinks a billion years is a standard unit of time for humans.
  7. Anyone who doesn’t agree to impossible or unethical schemes is labeled the bad guy.
  8. Needs me to be clear.
  9. Access to media needs to be tightly controlled to shape values and ideologies.
  10. Wants to read the same books with fantastical, science fiction elements over and over again.
  11. Penalties must be put in place for minor infractions in order to shape future behavior.
  12. Concept of a “fair game” is neither fair nor a game.
  13. Thinks most doctors are evil, diabolical monsters.
  14. Will weaponize any secret you tell by repeating it to everyone.
  15. Makes it really difficult to leave.
  16. Has no concept of death.
  17. Will cost a few hundred thousand dollars over the next 17 years.

1–17: This is Scientology.

1–17: This is definitely my three-year-old.

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Leslie Ylinen

Written by

Writer in San Francisco. Work in McSweeney’s, The Bold Italic, Slackjaw, The Belladonna, and Points in Case.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Leslie Ylinen

Written by

Writer in San Francisco. Work in McSweeney’s, The Bold Italic, Slackjaw, The Belladonna, and Points in Case.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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