- Inexplicably obsessed with large ships.
- Needs to be told, “STOP JUMPING ON THE COUCH!”
- Loves taking vitamins and thinks they cure everything.
- Disappearances in public are common.
- Keeps repeating a nonsensical story about alien overlords and frozen space volcanoes and really needs to cool it for a second so I can hear myself think.
- Thinks a billion years is a standard unit of time for humans.
- Anyone who doesn’t agree to impossible or unethical schemes is labeled the bad guy.
- Needs me to be clear.
- Access to media needs to be tightly controlled to shape values and ideologies.
- Wants to read the same books with fantastical, science fiction elements over and over again.
- Penalties must be put in place for minor infractions in order to shape future behavior.
- Concept of a “fair game” is neither fair nor a game.
- Thinks most doctors are evil, diabolical monsters.
- Will weaponize any secret you tell by repeating it to everyone.
- Makes it really difficult to leave.
- Has no concept of death.
- Will cost a few hundred thousand dollars over the next 17 years.
1–17: This is Scientology.
1–17: This is definitely my three-year-old.