“Susie, this dude is a loser!” “Look at him, Bobby! He probably eats alone!”

Self Hate for Dummies

15 Daily Micro-Failures to Boost Your Self Loathing

Today feels like a good day to hate myself. Come on, you know the feeling. You wake up and realize you didn’t leave the house the prior day. There’s a mug in your sink with a ring from yesterday’s coffee. Your cable box suddenly starts recording something, and you realize it’s Summer Catch and you planned to fast-forward to the scene where Jessica Biel is running in the rain by the pool.

You have very little to look forward to.

Shaving is on a “how bad is it really?” basis. You’ve found that sweet spot at your job where you make enough money to buy craft beer, but they don’t know you watch “Hot Ones” videos on YouTube for hours at a time.

You’re irrelevant. You’re unaccomplished. You’re a loser. Isn’t it time for some good old self hate?

Unlike charting your path to mediocrity, self hate is easy. I’ve devised a list of 15 things I do every day to hate myself. And I only have one question. If you think you can be as much of a loser as me, why aren’t you doing them now?

Or you can stop right here if you share the opinion most Medium readers have about my writing…

Self Hate for Dummies: 15 Micro-Failures to Boost Your Self Loathing

View all beautiful people as potential mates who have already rejected you.

When someone asks you what you do, scan his eyes for A) disbelief, B) a glazed expression, or C) pity.

When talking to a woman, immediately imagine the awkwardness of future interactions if you asked her on a date.

Throughout the day take note of each person that you genuinely like but who has absolutely no interest in hanging out with you.

Scan your text messages and see how many times yours was the last message sent.

Eat lots of Chipotle. Later ask yourself why in the world did you eat Chipotle.

Take note of creepy guys on your commute. Later when a creepy guy casually makes pleasant conversation with another commuter, realize creepy guy is apparently less creepy than you.

Take pride that you were good enough at math to know what a parabola is — as in “my life is on the downturn of a parabola.”

Think about puppies and smile despite conflicted feelings of jealously that puppies are likely fed and hugged more often that you were from 1985 to present.

When you arrive home after a long day of work, look around at the lonely dullness of your empty home while acknowledging that at least no one is there to complain that you never ask about her day.

Carefully examine people you find abhorrent and calculate the odds they had sex more recently than you did.

Try to remember what sex is.

Take solace that people often like you at first and then change their minds as a sign that, even though you are a loser, you are possibly good-looking.

Remind yourself of the time you chose an AD&D beneficiary based on “who is least likely to kill me and collect the insurance?”

Calculate of the percentage of ex-girlfriends who went on to date someone they previously told you they hated. Wait, don’t calculate. It’s 100. The percentage is 100.

“Chicks dig me more than the loser who wrote this, and I’m wearing a woman’s sock on my head. That’s not even my car.”