Selling My Emotional Baggage On Poshmark

Your purchases pay my therapy bills.

Nat Hrvatin
Jun 1 · 4 min read
Image by the author.

All items in my closet are eligible for a special two-for-one deal. For every two items you purchase, I will throw in one lavender-scented sock to soak up your tears for free!

Price: $45, although I feel I’m not qualified to set these prices.
Description: You will become a denim-clad superhero in this jacket! Well, you’ll become a denim-clad superhero who wonders: “Should I really continue to fight crime when I only saved 99 out of 100 people?” In the front pocket, you’ll find my Master in Fine Arts diploma folded into a tiny square. I tried to make an origami crane, but I have no idea what the hell I am doing.

Price: $40 $25 $30 $15 $20
Description: This blanket scarf is made of 80% cotton and 20% self-doubt. It’s perfect for second-guessing every single decision you make, from selecting the Chipotle meal least likely to give you gas to choosing the pair of yoga pants least likely to show camel toe. If you make the wrong decision, the scarf wraps around your entire body to become a regret-fueled hibernation pod.

Price: Whatever pleases you most!
Description: This spacious tote has held my paranoid musings since high school. These musings include wondering why my BFF didn’t list me on her Myspace top 8 and if my voice teacher blamed my pitchiness for his hearing loss. My paranoia can be your paranoia at no extra cost! The inside is lined with a silky fabric as soft as a kangaroo’s pouch, inside which you can fit your entire head and scream.

Price: I am so sorry to ask for your money.
Description: You will look totally gorgeous in this hand-stitched skirt made of patchwork squares that represent every unnecessary apology I’ve said. This skirt has a cathedral-length train symbolic of the times I’ve apologized to inanimate objects for bumping into them. The best part is that your waist will look so snatched while you apologize for someone interrupting you. New patches will be added every hour until it sells, so buy before it turns into an apology quilt!

Price: My vanity.
Description: My eye doctor pointed out that my left eye is at a slightly different angle than my right eye and NOW I CAN’T UNSEE IT. If you’re willing to take these glasses off my hands, I’d prefer my blurred vision over having a perfectly clear view of my .01mm abnormality. You will love how I Sharpie-d over the left lens, as it will give you this totally hot mysterious cyclops vibe.

Price: The amount of money I could have saved on doctor’s visits if I didn’t have hypochondria.
Description: This fitness watch tracks my increasing heart rate as WebMD tells me my symptoms indicate a heart attack. It also times the duration of your abdominal cramps, which are probably menstrual, but also could be rumblings from a picket line forming among your internal organs, threatening to stop production altogether.

Price: If you’re willing to slay the goose who stole my lunch yesterday, I’ll pay you!
Description: Not only can these rain boots prevent your feet from getting wet, but also they can protect your vulnerable toes from getting chomped off by the murderous geese who live by your house. Their polka-dotted pattern adds a touch of whimsy, and is definitely not painted-over specks of geese turds. They are a women’s size 9 on the right shoe, and an 8 ½ on the left due to an unfortunate goose attack.

Price: The validation of my existence.
Description: Okay, Poshers! I know you aren’t here for pottery wheels, but I need this existential crisis out of my house! You will totally flip when you see how hypnotizing it is to watch your problems circle around while you mold them into dinner plates. Then, instead of using those dinner plates, which are actually well made, but not up to your high standards, you chuck them against your wall and use the shards as shanks to ward off geese. You brush away any lingering residue, but worry you might have accidentally inhaled the dust, so you use your blanket scarf as a waiting-for-your-own-demise burial shroud. Dinner plate shanks sold separately.

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Medium humor. Large laughs.

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