Sexy Sandwiches: A Sex-Tracking App For The Middle Aged

Mary Flannery
Slackjaw
Published in
3 min readJan 12, 2025
Photo by Gustavo Fring from Pexel

Has simultaneously caring for your growing children and your aging parents put a damper on your sex life? Is it difficult to get in the mood because you’re cohabitating with hormonal teenagers and your mother-in-law?

Well, “Sexy Sandwiches,” a fun new smartphone application, is here to help! You’ve already got apps that guilt you into tracking your calories or learning a foreign language. But now you’re finally getting what you really need: a sex-tracking app that guilts you into porking!

“Sexy Sandwiches” is the brainchild of a 49-year-old father of three who couldn’t understand why his exhausted wife would beat him with a pillow every time he rolled over in bed and said, “Hey, I think my mom’s finally asleep downstairs. Wanna do it?” He shared his confusion with his 47-year-old friend Brad, a thrice-divorced app designer, and the rest is history!

Look: we know how difficult it is to get frisky when you spend your non-working hours discussing nothing but cyberbullying and end-of-life care. Sex has become just another chore for you to do, like changing fluid-stained sheets or prepping meals that will appeal to all three generations under your roof. But by gamifying the otherwise mood-killing stress of trying to schedule intimacy in these conditions, “Sexy Sandwiches” makes that stress sexier than ever!

Each time a sexual encounter is logged, the app’s gender-neutral mascot, “Sexy Sammy,” coyly places a gloved hand over its cartoon mouthhole and giggles, “Oooooh, I’ve been a naughty little sandwich!” If a user goes for too many days without logging any sexual activity, the mascot appears in the smartphone’s notifications with an encouraging message like, “Looks like someone needs a good stuffing,” or “Eat me!” If a user goes more than a month without logging a sexual encounter, “Sexy Sammy” launches into a catchy musical number called “I Really Need a Pickle in My Buns.”

Now, isn’t that more fun than having a judgy green owl tell you off for not practicing German?

“Sexy Sandwiches” users win points (or “condom-ents”) for each time they log a sexual encounter into the app’s calendar, no matter how brief or unenjoyable it was. Remember: even if neither of you actually finishes because you’re interrupted by someone yelling that their sister stole their smartphone or that they’ve fallen and can’t get up, it counts!

“Sexy Sandwiches” has been tailored to help users build up sex habits that are both healthy and realistic. We know that, for members of the sandwich generation, sex is something that basically only happens once in a blue moon (or whenever SAT prep classes coincide with Early Bird Specials). With every 10 sexual encounters logged, users can advance to higher levels that range all the way from “BLT” (“Basic Lovers Trying,” awarded after a total of 10 sexual encounters logged) to the very top level: “Whopper Supreme,” for users who log a whopping average of 1 sexual encounter per week!

Users can also earn special badges for having sex in different locations, or for different sex acts. Get busy next to the sporting equipment in your garage and earn the “Club Sandwich” badge! Have a quickie in the kitchen and you earn the “French Dip” badge (plus, “Sexy Sammy” will say, “Teehee! I’m always up for a midnight snack!”). Indulge in a bit of light S&M and not only do you earn a special “Sexy Sub” badge, but “Sexy Sammy” will gyrate in a leather thong and moan, “I’m gonna give you a really good topping!”

You can choose between free and ad-free versions of “Sexy Sandwiches.” Free users receive regular targeted ads while using the app, and benefit from discounts on ketchup, mustard, and baloney from major grocery store chains. Upgrade to the ad-free version of the app and not only will you be entered into our monthly drawing for a vibrating “Sexy Sammy” sex toy, but you’ll gain access to special sandwich-themed erotica to enjoy with your partner (using a headphone splitter, of course, so you don’t disturb any teenagers or octogenarians in your household).

Don’t let care work kill your mood — download “Sexy Sandwiches” today!

Warning: Excessive use of “Sexy Sandwiches” may lead to sleepless nights, impromptu family counseling sessions, or divorce. Please use responsibly!

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