Shit Sells: How To Market A Tech Product In 20 Easy Steps

Amanda Rosenberg
Feb 4, 2016 · 3 min read
  1. CEO decides he wants to build a Social-Holistic-Impact-Transmedia app, let’s call it SHIT for short.

2. CEO tells a Senior Vice President that he wants a SHIT app.

3. Senior Vice President gathers up Vice Presidents, engineers and product managers to work on SHIT.

4. The engineers and product managers spend an unspecified amount of time building the product. Product managers come up with SHIT ideas, then the engineers build SHIT.

5. Now that SHIT is half-baked, everyone realises that they need people to use/buy/play with SHIT. How? MARKETING, THAT’S HOW, MOTHERFUCKERS.

6. Cue the Marketing team — SVP of Marketing, VPs of Marketing, Heads of Marketing, Group Leads of Marketing, Product Marketing Managers and Associate Product Marketing Managers. See? Doesn’t take much to sell SHIT.

7. SHIT filters down from the CEO, through engineering and product, right down till it hits Marketing and this, ladies and gentlemen, is where the magic happens.

8. Nothing happens.

9. Then there’s a ‘kick off’ meeting. This is where we decide what the SHIT brand looks like.

10. In the early stages of branding SHIT, there is a lot of ‘white-boarding’ which means some poor sap writes words on a whiteboard, takes a picture of these words, puts it in a doc, and emails it to the wider team where it will never be seen again.

White-boarding word examples:

What is SHIT? Why SHIT? Who is SHIT? What does SHIT mean to me? What is our SHIT Target audience? Generation SHIT? What about SHIT influencers?

11. After white-boarding comes the real work. This is where we start to break down SHIT into tiny pieces and assign pieces to each person. How? ANOTHER SUPER FRUITFUL MEETING, THAT’S HOW.

12. A strategy meeting includes loads of senior people and a few junior people. Here, the senior people delegate 80% of the work to the junior people. The senior people take on 10%, and the other 10% just doesn’t get done.

13. So what needs to be done? (In no particular order):

  • SHIT Logo.
  • SHIT Website.
  • SHIT Videos.
  • SHIT Photography.
  • Get SHIT onto all social platforms.
  • A one-liner that describes SHIT.
  • A SHIT mission statement.

14. Now it’s time to get vag-deep in SHIT. Thing is, it’s tech marketing, which means you have to work with the people who built this SHIT in the first place: engineers and product managers. These folks are incredibly smart, creative, and really protective of their SHIT.

15. ‘Push-back’ is a term used a lot when marketing and engineering collide. Everyone is pushing back on each other meaning ‘your emergency is not my urgency’ kind of thing. Everybody debates (argues), everybody shares ideas (argues) and everybody hurts (hurts). It takes about 47 weeks for everyone to start working smoothly together before SHIT starts to take shape.

16. It’s at this point that someone senior wants to take SHIT in another direction. So everyone stops what they’re doing and starts working on this new direction. Repeat steps 10–15.

17. Nothing happens.

18. Everyone starts to freak out. All the senior bods want an update, so there’s an update meeting. An update meeting is pretty self-explanatory — everyone just needs to show that they’ve been doing something/anything for the past 78 weeks. These meetings typically contain a lot of pensive nodding. Everyone agrees on a direction for SHIT, mainly because the launch deadline is coming up and there’s really nothing more to do.

19. There’s a lot more to do, but somehow, In the midst of all the chaos, everyone pulls together.

20. SHIT happens.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Amanda Rosenberg

Written by

Writer. http://amandarosenberg.org

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade