SingleChiTownGuy84 is Looking for His Literal Partner in Crime
Where to begin? Honestly, I hate writing about myself because I never know what to say in these bios, and a couple of paragraphs could never truly encapsulate my personality, character, values and interests, or what I’m looking for in a mate.
But here goes…
I joined OkCupid because I’m tired of the bar scene and getting set up on awkward blind dates. I’m a single, work-hard-play-hard kind of guy living the bachelor life in Chicago, and I’m serious about finding my wife, my best friend, and my partner in crime.
Despite my cynicism, I know there’s someone out there who’s kind, compassionate, fun, and will help me plan and execute a robbery of the First Midwest Bank on the corner of Foster Ave. and 3rd St. on the second Saturday of next month. As you can probably tell from my pics, I love working out, travel, spending time with family and friends, and knocking over credit unions before burning rubber down to Mexico to escape the police.
The job’s been bankrolled, I’ve got an inside man, a grease man, a tech man working from a van across the street, and all’s I need is a woman. A beautiful, intelligent, graceful woman. A Bonnie to my Clyde, if you know what I mean.
I’ve been on all the other dating sites and I’ve met a ton of women, but we just never “clicked,” ya know? Though I DID meet a nice gal named Becky who used to work security for our “target location.” She provided me with the blueprints and schematics so I could properly dismantle the silent alarm and wire the place for explosives. Too bad she ghosted me after three dates. I guess that comes with the territory! Haha.
Anyway..
Are you a gal who’s interested in going out to dinner and dancing, but can be just as content cuddled up on the couch with a glass of red wine and Netflix? Are you also willing to walk in the front entrance while I break in through the back where I’ll barricade the door from the inside, take out the security guard with a stun gun and zip tie him to a radiator? Then you and I may be a perfect match! Also double points if you’re a Cubs fan ;). Haha huge Chicago sports guy over here.
But trust me, I’m not like other guys. You won’t receive any inappropriate messages or photos from this fella. In fact, I was raised with the values of a Catholic upbringing and would prefer you follow the teachings of a Christian denomination — except of course when you scream “GET ON THE FUCKING FLOOR, MOTHER FUCKERS” to anyone in line while I brandish a weapon and instruct the tellers to place the cash from the drawers into an empty bag.
Plus I’m an old-school, chivalrous kinda guy, so I hope you don’t mind if I buy some flowers, pay for dinner and open the car door for you. But I also appreciate modern values and would be more than happy to let you make an “example” out of anyone who doesn’t listen to every last damn thing we say if they ever want to breath oxygen again.
And if after a few dates we feel that spark of chemistry and decide to make a go of this crazy thing called love, I’ll introduce you to my family. My brother Dave is married with two kids and will act as our getaway driver. When we’ve got the money, we’ll signal him on the walkie with the code phrase “The falcon has landed.” He’ll be out back with the engine running when we make the drop, and after that we can double-date with him and his wife Karen. She’s lovely. I’m sure you’ll become fast friends.
If you’re out there, SingleChiTownGuy84 is looking for a woman to spend his life with, to have children with, to grow old with, and who isn’t afraid to pistol-whip any “heroes” who try any funny business.
Also I have a golden retriever! Haha must love dogs!
