Six Halloween costumes that scream “civic-minded AND super hot!”
Caught in the perpetual cycle of wanting to look like a damn adult on Halloween while also celebrating your body before the cold hand of time ravages your youth, beauty, and relatively taut skin? Fear not! Here are six Halloween costumes that will show off your best assets while giving you plausible deniability about your motivations.
Hurricane Irma
Who’s that lady blasting through the party like it’s Florida during hurricane season? Must be you, in your homemade Hurricane Irma outfit. Decorate a leotard with cotton balls in a spiral pattern and pair with ripped fishnet stockings to represent the toll hurricanes take on coastal communities. You’re not a Sexy Hurricane, you’re raising awareness for the ongoing human suffering the mainstream media has already forgotten!
Gentrification
Call attention to both your body and the scourge of gentrification by covering your breasts and crotch with miniature versions of the iconic wooden fences that go up right before a neighborhood becomes too expensive to live in. You aren’t a Sexy Fence, you’re a symbol of how growing urban populations and rising economic inequality are destroying vibrant communities and dispossessing millions!
The Wage Gap
Wage gap, meet thigh gap! Create a bikini out of fake money to represent the lost revenue accrued over a lifetime of being paid 80 cents to the dollar. You aren’t Sexy Money, you’re a timely reminder of society’s suppression of female success and the devastating toll it takes on women’s health, happiness, and financial security!
#Resist
Wrap your body in strips of duct tape and write “#Resist” on all of them. When asked, say that you’re using the canvas of your body to draw attention to the fact that we should never stop resisting, even when faced with tequila shots, a bowl of Snickers, and that mega hottie dressed as Jon Snow. You’re not Sexy Tape, you’re a revolutionary reclaiming your female agency in defiance of the Trump era’s rampant misogyny!
Dumpster Fire
Glue tin cans to your nipples and wrap your crotch in bubble wrap. Light yourself on fire. You aren’t a Sexy Trip To The Emergency Room, you’re a metaphor for the ongoing destabilization of society and the nihilistic despair that permeates every waking moment as we navigate the surreal hellscape of modern life!
Lady Godiva
Literally wear nothing. Carry a stick horse. You aren’t a Sexy Naked Person, you’re protesting the excessive taxation Leofric, Earl of Mercia, inflicted on his tenants during the 11th century! So what if it was a thousand years ago? Since society still fails to punish the crimes corrupt officials commit against its most vulnerable members, you have no choice but to draw attention to it now. As soon as you take this tequila shot.
Sarah Hawley is a Los Angeles-based writer and former archaeologist who is currently working on several novels. She enjoys swing dancing, colorful socks, and sympathetic villains and is the co-host of The Wicked Wallflowers Club podcast. You can find her on Twitter at @mssarahhawley.
