Socially Distant News From Hollywood

Gabriel Thibodeau
Jun 12, 2020 · 3 min read
Image Copyright: ABC; Warner Bros / DC Entertainment; Instagram / Britney Spears (Fair Use)

In a recent digital roundtable, Governor Gavin Newsom discussed reopening film and television production with entertainment industry leaders and some random dude from This Is Us. One participant warned against “pricing ourselves out of business” by resuming production in Los Angeles later than other cities, to which director Ava DuVernay replied, leaning close to her laptop, “Kim, there’s people that are dying.”

Ghost in the Shell alum Scarlett Johansson to star in Twitter-sourced indie drama Should We Actually Make This?, with principal photography to begin later this month in her second guest bathroom. Whatever Chris is available will co-star via Microsoft Teams.

Experts confirm wearing masks does not keep Americans safe from The Masked Singer, airing on Fox, Wednesdays at 8 p.m. Eastern.

WGA reps announce the Writers Guild will not in fact strike against the hiring of non-union talent for continued home-produced talk show programming, stating, “The writing is so bad, we’re relieved we’re not involved.”

We’re sorry to report, in an official shrug released by Michael Bay, new Transformers films are still somehow in the works. Original stars Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox were both available for comment, but what is there to say?

Makeup moguls Kylie Jenner and Jeffree Star in talks to collaborate on a virtual cosmetics line aimed to quell COVID-19 concerns. According to an anonymous source named Kris Jenner, rather than physical product, customers will receive private TikTok videos of Jenner and Star applying eyeshadow to their wrists in their respective bathrooms. The Virtual Bathroom Party Palette is estimated to sell for $68.00.

Local KTLA newswoman conducts at-home segment while naked husband showers in view behind her. Inside source reports record ratings, with vice president and news director Karen Karens stating for the record, “Good for her!”

Kelly Clarkson’s wine glass inks deal to return as a judge for season 467 of The Voice, slated for production last month; it’s actually already wrapped and currently airing. Right now. It’s on NBC right now. It’s always fucking on.

Breaking update on the theatrical release of new Bond film No Time to Die: according to director Cary Joji Fukunaga, the twenty-fifth installment in the 007 franchise will most likely be released “I dunno, probably never.”

Millie Bobby Brown confirmed to still be underage; Drake confirmed to be furious.

Thousands sign online petition calling for John Krasinksi’s feel-good YouTube show Some Good News to replace Fox News’s entire slate of mainstream programming, known widely by its colloquial name All Bad News.

The LGBTQ+ community collectively agrees to honor Laura Dern with the Thank You for Being Laura Dern Award. Celebrations to commence every day for the rest of time.

Britney Spears burns down home gym, stating, “Oops! I did it again.”*

Katy Perry to host new video series for popular online tutorial platform Masterclass. How to Pretend to Enjoy Live Zoom Performances That Are Not Actually Live will be available July 1st, with special appearances by Mariah Carey’s disembodied lip sync voice and that coworker who’s always nodding during your business meetings.

Director Patty Jenkins takes advantage of shifting release dates to reshoot key scenes from the highly anticipated Wonder Woman 1984. Cinematographer Matthew Jensen shares plan to use the 6K-equipped Sony Venice to capture “the clearest possible picture” of Gal Gadot kicking things in her backyard. According to Jensen, “It will feel like you’re really there, six feet away.” We’re happy to report no John Lennon songs will make the final edit.

  • On behalf of Slackjaw and everyone at Medium, I must apologize to our respected readers for writing this headline. Making light of any individual’s home gym-related trauma through the use of song lyrics is simply unacceptable. I take full responsibility for my actions and strive to be better. I vow to prove my reinstated commitment to authentic journalism through all future coverage of Britney Spears-related news, of which I hope there will be little. Thank you for your continued readership and understanding.

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Gabriel Thibodeau

Written by

Indie filmmaker, sea witch, and writer of queer stories, by every definition of the word.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Gabriel Thibodeau

Written by

Indie filmmaker, sea witch, and writer of queer stories, by every definition of the word.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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