Socrates Angers His Therapist

SOCRATES: Hey Doc, thanks for seeing me on such a short notice.

DR. FISHBEIN: Of course, anything for my most enlightened patient. Tell me, what’s bothering you?

SOCRATES: The council of Athens took me to court for corrupting the youth. Punishment is death.

DR. FISHBEIN: Yikes. How does that make you feel?

SOCRATES: Can you first define what “feel” means?

DR. FISHBEIN: You know, like your emotions. For example, feeling sad, joyful, or — hey, I’m supposed to be the one asking questions here. (sighs) Fuck, it’s happening again.

(Socrates smirks)

DR. FISHBEIN (cont’d): Socrates, you really need to stop doing this.

SOCRATES: Look, I can’t help it.

DR. FISHBEIN: This is why all of Athens is mad at you. How would you feel if somebody just kept asking you to define every word you said?

SOCRATES: I’d feel annoyed, I guess.

DR. FISHBEIN: Do you think people enjoy being questioned about their favorite flavor of low-calorie Greek yogurt?

SOCRATES: Well, an unexamined life is not worth living.

DR. FISHBEIN: People’s preferred yogurt flavor should not lead to existential self-examination.

SOCRATES: (muttering to himself) Well, it should.

DR. FISHBEIN: You’ve been seeing me for, what, like fifteen years now?

SOCRATES: Yeah, something like that.

DR. FISHBEIN: And yet, in every single session, you ask me questions. That’s not how this works.

SOCRATES: It’s an old habit. I’m just trying to help.

DR. FISHBEIN: You’re not. You’re making things worse.

SOCRATES: All right, I get it, Dr. Fishbein.

(An awkward silence follows)

SOCRATES (cont’d): How’s the wife?

DR. FISHBEIN: Fine.

SOCRATES: What do you mean by “fine?”

DR. FISHBEIN: You’re doing it again.

SOCRATES: Sorry.

DR. FISHBEIN: Unless you want to talk about you and this upcoming trial, this session is no longer productive.

SOCRATES: Oh, right. Yeah, so, I’m challenging the status quo and they don’t like it.

DR. FISHBEIN: So, how does that make you feel?

SOCRATES: Like a badass.

DR. FISHBEIN: Good! You should feel empowered by your emotions.

SOCRATES: But if I’m convicted, I get sentenced to death.

DR. FISHBEIN: We can discuss that once we cross that bridge.

SOCRATES: The good thing is that Plato will succeed me if it all goes to shit.

DR. FISHBEIN: I’m really glad you’re finally practicing positive thinking. This is great progress.

SOCRATES: Yeah, I just finished reading a Tony Robbins book. That stuff really works.

DR. FISHBEIN: (surprised) You’re a fan of Tony Robbins?

SOCRATES: Of course, who isn’t? His mantras have helped me get out of my head. Apparently, he says I “think too much.”

(Dr. Fishbein strokes his mustache)

DR. FISHBEIN: Are you two close?

SOCRATES: Yeah, we had brunch last week.

DR. FISHBEIN: Could you introduce us? I’d love to get a private coaching session with him.

SOCRATES: Yes, but under one condition.

DR. FISHBEIN: Of course. Anything.

SOCRATES: I get to continue asking you questions.

DR. FISHBEIN: Fuck that.


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