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Some New Years-related feedback for my gym.

To Gym Manager:

Really looking forward to getting into the “new year, new you” spirit. So excited. Pumped, even! (Pun intended!)

Just a few questions for you, as the year gets started:

Any way you could just move the gym closer to my apartment?

It’d be a lot more convenient for me. You know what they say about sticking to habits — the easier they are to do, the better.

Also, could you make the machines, like, do all of the work for me?

For instance, any way I can just strap in my feet into the bike pedals and have them move for me, instead of me exerting any kind of physical force? That’d be a HUGE help. Maybe someone from the manufacturer can rewire some things to make that happen?

Lastly, could you rework human biology in such a way that allows me to burn a ton of calories just by sitting and watching Netflix?

That’d be suuuuch a big help for me as I embark on my new year’s fitness goals.

Hope all of this isn’t too inconvenient. Appreciate your consideration. See you at the water fountain!




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Hassan S. Ali

Hassan S. Ali


I write comedy things. the ha & lol. Also a founding editor of Slackjaw on Medium.