Some ideas for TV shows that will probably never get made.

Here are some ideas for shows I think would make good television and/or online streaming content, but alas which I realize will probably never get made. That said, if you are a producer or agent and would like to discuss these further, contact me at hassan.s.ali [at] gmail.com!

I’m Having Satan’s Baby

Buckle up for this new show on TLC: Beth is teeming with excitement. See, she’s a new mom-to-be, pregnant with Satan’s child, and she’s sharing all the ways she’s getting prepared (both mentally and physically) for the new arrival. Our cameras are there to capture all the drama, from the stress of picking out colors for the baby’s nursery (Midnight Black or Soulless Void Black?), to the yoga routines she tries out to keep herself fit and healthy while pregnant with the spawn of Lucifer.

Will It Dig?

You’ve heard of Will It Blend? But what about this hot new series, “Will It Dig?” In each episode, our host looks at a different product (which could be product placement from a brand or sponsor! #synergy) and answers the question on everyone’s mind: Can this product help him dig a hole in his back yard? Why does he need a hole? Is he in some kind of trouble? Stop asking so many questions and help him dig!

Practical Powers

A sci-fi superhero show where all the characters have superpowers… But all their powers are extremely practical. Like, one guy has “Master Key Fingers,” which means he can get into any locked door; very convenient for when he locks himself out of his apartment! Or a guy who can hack the Whole Foods salad bar scale using only his mind, so he doesn’t end up paying as much. Or a female character who can race-shift. It’s like shapeshifting, but she can shift her race depending on the situation. Her “natural” state is as a Pakistani-American (Muslim) woman who wears a hijab, but like when she has to go through airport security, she can race-shift into a bubbly blonde Kate Upton-looking type. Directed by J.J. Abrams.

House of God

A spoof of Big Brother that puts a bunch of leaders of various (often conflicting) faiths under the same roof, with cameras rolling to capture all the drama, arguing, hypocrisy, unsolicited quotings of scripture, and hookups that go down. Part comedy, part commentary on how politics and religion tends to divide us more than unite us. (Mark Burnett, feel free to reach out to me for this one.)

Can This Home Makeover Save Our Marriage?

So long, old house! Val and her sassy team of opinionated home renovation experts are swoopin’ in to give a few lucky homeowners the house makeover of a lifetime, all in the hopes of saving these couples’ marriages. Hey, they’ve already tried everything: Couples counseling, group therapy, adopting a dog, even having a baby! A home makeover could be just the thing they need to patch things up! Coming to TLC.

WTF They’re Not American?!

An Access Hollywood-like show that is solely dedicated to various actors who you thought were American but, turns out, they aren’t! WTF! People like Charlize Theron, Damien Lewis, Kate Winslet, Christian Bale, Andrew Lincoln, Hugh Laurie, Idris Elba, Toni Collette, and John Boyega. We would somehow squeeze five seasons out of this show.

Untitled Drake Project

In a slightly alternate universe, Drake loses a defamation lawsuit against a rival rapper and is forced to liquidate all his assets. At the auction of some of his valuables, one fan, Hassan Ali, purchases Drake’s most prized possession: The hand-scrawled set list from his first show ever.

Considering this his “Rosebud” of sorts, Drake embarks on a mission to get his set list back, and reaches out to Hassan. A very giddy Hassan says he’d be happy to return the set list… only if Drake does him a favor first: Hassan asks Drake to accompany him on a road trip from Chicago to Los Angeles and help him break up with his long-distance girlfriend, with whom Hassan lacks the courage to be honest and is afraid to hurt her. But there’s a big surprise waiting for them at the end of this road trip…

What ensues is a budding friendship between Hassan and Drake, lessons in maturity and the meaning of relationships, a ton of yelling, a ton of crying, a ton of bro-hugs, an exploration of America’s natural beauty, making new friends along the way, and a lot of singing in a car.


For more stuff like this

Thanks for reading! Let’s get these TV shows made! If nothing else, follow me on Twitter or here on Medium for more goofy things.

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