Somewhat Satisfying Character Arcs from The Wire: The Movie (2019)

Andrew Marshall
Jun 20 · 3 min read
Photo: HBO. (Licensed Under Fair Use)

“Thirteen years later, a conclusion has finally arrived in the form of Deadwood: The Movie, a feature-length HBO film . . . starring almost the entire vast ensemble of the original show (minus deceased characters and actors). It’s a perfect, long-delayed swan song that offers satisfying endings for almost every member of the cast.” — The Atlantic


An opening montage shows us how, in 2019, the various Baltimore institutions we came to know — police department, public schools, newspaper of record, etc. — are still pretty dysfunctional. Fortunately, a second montage illustrates how many other Baltimore institutions — from casinos to horse racing — are all working just fine.


The Major Crimes Unit is (once again) reassembled — this time to help Lester move. Miscommunication about whether they were moving stuff into or out of the apartment results in some minor dollhouse damage.


Unfulfilled by his job, McNulty’s newest self-destructive behavior (JUUL pods) prompts his manager to declare: “Sure, Jimmy’s a hard-JUULing wreck…but he’s one hell of an insurance adjuster. Yessir. Nat-u-ral ad-just-or.”


Despite the existence of a personal diary entry entitled “Female colleagues I’d love to throw a fuck into”, Judge Phalen breezes through his confirmation to the United States Court of Appeals but then gets hit by a bus.


Carcetti finds himself in hot water when it’s discovered that his son, now a sophomore at Dartmouth, scored suspiciously high on the ACTs and has never even played Water Polo.


Herc’s new career as a “fixer” is not going as planned. With too much free time on his hands, he falls down a 4Chan rabbit hole that ultimately leads him to join the Flat Earth Society.


Bubbles starts an addiction recovery podcast.


Scott Templeton’s Match.com date is disappointed to find out his height was nowhere near the 6’2” he claimed on his profile.


While undercover as a Purdue Pharma sales rep, Beadie Russell finds out how much money they actually make, starts a new career in pharmaceutical sales.


Poot drives for Lyft.


Johnny 50 starts a recovery podcast. Dukie also starts a recovery podcast. Fat Face Rick makes an appearance on Bubbles’ recovery podcast, then starts his own recovery podcast.


Western District cops opine on the differences between Millenial and Gen-Z shitbirds.


The Baltimore Ravens reinstate a domestic abusing star running back, so part-time stadium security staffer Bunny Colvin takes matters into his own hands. He gets fired for it.


Two homicide detectives discuss a murder scene over text message using only the eggplant emoji.


Recently paroled Slim Charles lands a small acting role playing a preacher in a Baltimore-centric crime drama.


Even Amazon is taken aback by the lengths Mayor Clay Davis is willing to go to secure Baltimore’s place on the Amazon HQ2 shortlist.


Lester and Bunk discuss their love for HBO’s Treme, and how “it really picks up after season one.”


Bunk orders a suit from Indochino.


Yet another rogue district commander opens a legalized drug zone. Ultimately, the pushers and addicts simply aren’t ready for Dopenhagen’s bike-only streets and commitment to green energy.


A missing stevedore is found floating face down in the newly opened Michael Phelps Aquatic Center, but the ribbon cutting goes on as planned.


Bubbles relapses after advertisers flee his podcast (now in the iTunes top ten) when he’s accused of normalizing an extreme right-wing guest. He’s soon back on the wagon and is a regular guest on Dukie’s podcast.


Thomas “Horseface” Pakusa adopts a cat with feline dwarfism — whose endearingly ugly face quickly becomes an internet sensation. Horseface grapples with the inner turmoil surrounding his decision to exploit his cat’s unfortunate appearance for money.


Ending montage set to a Skrillex cover of “Way Down in the Hole”.

David Simon breaks the fourth wall to share several J.K. Rowling-esque updates to The Wire cannon, like “Omar actually preferred Apple Cinnamon Cheerios.”


(Big thanks to Jon Marshall for some ideas for this piece…and this birthday gift.)

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Andrew Marshall

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Andrew is a writer living in Portland, OR. @andrewtweeets www.marshall.pizza

Slackjaw

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Your source for the Medium funny.