Sorry, Sweetheart, It’s A Pirate’s Life For You

Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of you’ll do as your told.

Joe Wellman
Nov 22, 2020 · 3 min read
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Photo by Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash

Honey, your father and I have been discussing this for a while now, and we’ve reached a decision. It’s a pirate’s life for you.

We’re just doing what we think is best. Schools will be COVID-ridden this winter and will likely shut down at some point. We’ve seen you struggle with online learning. We already lived with you and your various teenage antics 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in this household last spring, and have no intention of doing it again. So, we’re sorry, but it’s a pirate’s life for you.

We realize you’ll be leaving all your friends behind, but think of all the new maties you’ll make out at sea! We know it’s not what’s popular, but just think about all the cool stories of nautical violence you’ll be able to tell people at school once you’ve paid your debts to the captain and are allowed to return to land! And, oh, the many mythical mer-people you’ll see swimming on the horizon to the disbelief of your own salt-water crusted eyes!

Yes, honey, we know trying new things can be scary, but please, it’s either this or boarding school, and since we can absolutely not afford something like that, it shall be a pirate’s life for you.

Sailing around treacherous shoals and plundering British merchant ships will teach you hard work. Your share of the booty will give you a good foundation to build a future on. You’ll experiment with rum and possibly opium — and that’s okay. It’s all just part of a pirate’s life, which again, has been determined to be for you.

Here — try on this hat — good! Okay, now put on this eye patch — that’s it! Now, say, “SHE’S TAKIN’ ON WATER STARBOARD SIDE!”

Wow, sweetheart. It is indeed a pirate’s life for you.

This is not up for discussion. Your name is already on The Lonesome Mariner crew manifesto, and the ship departs from port Tuesday at dawn, headed for the Easterly winds and a mysterious pirate’s haven they call Old Widow’s Thumbnail.

Yes, this Tuesday. No, a pirate’s life is not for your brother. He is 18 and can do what he wants now. You are 14 and super frustrating to deal with for more than an hour at a time, so it is, unquestionably, a pirate’s life for you.

Now pack your bags, kiddo. Bring enough orange juice to prevent scurvy. Bring this bucket for shitting in, and definitely bring that protractor you never thought you’d use outside of 5th-period math class because until things back here on land start to return to normal, it will be muskets and esoteric card games and cursing the Royal Crown as you fly along the high-seas seeking thrills and treasure with equal fervor. Sweetheart, please try to accept that it is, and always has been, a pirate’s life for you.

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Joe Wellman

Written by

Joe Wellman is a freelance writer and person in Des Moines, Iowa. He likes riding his bike, listening to music and making short lists of things he likes to do.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Joe Wellman

Written by

Joe Wellman is a freelance writer and person in Des Moines, Iowa. He likes riding his bike, listening to music and making short lists of things he likes to do.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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