Sorry To Interrupt This Hot Make-out Session, But You Must Save The Forest People.
Charlie, human boy, do not be alarmed! I am Gray-Leaf, eldest of the Forest Treeple. My roots run to the very spine of the earth, my branches scrape the belly of the heavens themselves. The guardian spirits of the woods have named you our champion vassal. Charlie, you must save our dying land from Man’s polluted grasp and restore it to the lush paradise it once was. You are the link between two worlds. You are our last hope.
Also, I totally saw you and Sarah H making out by the big boulder earlier. Sick, dude.
Yes I did, I totally did. I totally saw it. Own it, my man, it was awesome! Prophecy told of a savior who would finally free these hallowed woods from the grip of decay, it just didn’t say he would be such a player- heyoooooooo! Slap me some bark, Charlie!
DO NOT QUESTION MY SOVEREIGNTY! I am the ancient warden of Mother Gaia. I’m over 2000 in tree years. Which, in terms of emotional intelligence, is roughly 16 in human years. I can hang, Charlie.
Let me give you some advice. No, not about your imminent perilous mission, that can wait. The forest has been dying since like, the beginning. Ask Sarah H out to your human prom, my dude. She seems nice, you compliment each other, and I’ve never seen her litter. Treeple also have a dance, the Great Harvest Reaping, but it’s Sadie Hawkins so I’ve never gone. I feel like it’s because I come on too ‘ancient and infallible’ or something? No pressure, but I’d love if you had any tips, or- you’re right, yeah, we should totally get back to the prophecy thing.
The birds have fled our great branches! Even as we speak the water nymph Alagondae chokes on the rancid plastics that pour in from the bilge-spewing factories of Man. I’ve seen the birth of the mighty river, the great mountain’s last gasps, and now, I have seen…
Sarah and Charlie, sitting in a me! k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then pollination, then germination! Look how red you’re getting, Charlie! From what I know of human emotion, you’re doing that because of shame! Do not be shamed, you’re a total legend!
Do not worry, young skin bag, I’ll keep your secret. The forest growth is shrouded in mystery, and I have held in it’s whispered stories for centuries…
Well, I already told the bushes. So. You know how bush talk goes…or do you? I forgot that you can only hear me because I’m allowing you to, otherwise I would sound like wind. Anyway, most times you hear the wind it’s bushes talking shit. They are huge gossip queens. But I digress.
First you must traverse the putrid rot swamps of Chilallk, and pull the fabled sprout sword from it’s murky depths. Then you must defeat the Blight Husk and his withered army of corruption. Then you gotta come back here and show me that thing you were doing with your tongue. That was crazy. A year to you passes my people in a blink of an eye but even so, you and Sarah H had your tongues down each other’s throats for like, ever.
Quickly now, we must seal the augury and initiate the Gibbon Moon Ritual, which will imbue you with the strength of all those that call these woods their home. Close your eyes, young savior, and repeat after me.
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
‘Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Sarah, I think I’m ready to go all the way with you!’- I got you dude! I got you so good! That was you earlier. You totally said that! Oh man. So awesome. No, seriously though, the forest is really dying, we should get started.
