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Spirit Halloween Asks Greenview Plaza If It Can Crash At Their Abandoned Storefront For A Bit

I promise you won’t even notice I’m here, it will be like I’m a ghost.

Photo taken by the authors

Heyyyyyy! Greenview Plaza! It’s been so long. How’ve you been, man? Still at E. River Road and South Avenue I see! I hope this isn’t too frightening of an ask, but I was wondering if I’d be able to crash at your guys’ open storefront for a bit? I got this scary good opportunity in the city and I just could really use the space for a bit. I already reached out to Peak Valley Plaza to see if I could crash there like last year, but there’s an Amazon Hub Locker and warehouse there now. And I promise me staying wouldn’t be for too too long, just until I “find a place of my own.” So, are you able to carve out some room for me?

You’d really be doing me a solid, man. To be completely spooky with you, I just really need to get out of my parent company’s warehouse, no trick. You know how it is, Mattress Firm. There’s just nothing to do out there. I swear I just sit in storage area zone M jack-o’-lanterning off all day. I just feel so creatively-stifled here. How am I supposed to do my passion of selling poorly-sewn, sheer, itchy outfits that children, teens, and pathetic adults will only wear one time? I really want to be where the sales are, the action. So if I’m able to just crash in your vacant storefront for a while, you’d seriously be saving my life. These $79.99 Harley Quinn costume sets I still have a surplus of from last year aren’t going to sell themselves!

Listen, listen, I know I can’t give you the long-term cash you look for in a tenant, but I promise I’ll do my fair share of work around here and be completely out of your way, man. You won’t even know I’m here, if you know how to ignore a 12-foot skeleton! Here, I’ll make sure everything’s up to code, our side of the parking lot is nice and clean, and we’ll even haunt shoplifters from anyone who dares to steal from any of the other stores here. Believe me, I keep my living space like I keep my business: littered with cheaply-assembled masks and costumes all over the floor. And looking around here, I think this plaza needs a little life (or if you’re us, death) breathed into it. People who want to dress like ghosts, superheroes, and sluts will come to us and then notice the bustling businesses next door. Soon, people who buy face paint to wear with their ill-advised blackface costumes will want to get their nails done at the salon next door and maybe even get our wrinkled, clearly used costumes dry cleaned at the cleaners a few stores over. I’ve seen what my magic can do for other sad, suburban plazas like yours and I really think you letting me crash here would be all treats, no tricks!

Just know that I will keep myself plenty busy around here. Though I should warn you about some things you may see during my, once again, very short stay here. If you see a ton of kids around here throwing tantrums and crying, don’t call Child Services. Those are mine, and their parents pay the big bucks to make them happy and leave our store as quickly as possible. By the way, sorry about all the cacophony of witch noises, we don’t know how to turn those things off. And you may see some crinkled up candy wrappers scattered around the parking lot. Guilty as charged, that’s me. But judging by the vague, ominous sign on one of the storefronts that just says “Dentist” it looks like that guy is going to thank me later for all the cavities we’re giving these kids.

Anyway, I seriously appreciate it, man. I actually brought my temporary, plastic business poster with me, so I’ll just tack that up to cover the faded Sears logo now. I’m kinda big on art, so if you don’t mind I’ll be sprucing up the place with some other cheap and distasteful posters of costumed adults in my merch on the windows. But really, dude, I’ll be so out of your way, I swear it will be like I’m a ghost. I mean, I’ll only be staying a couple months, that’s cool right?

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Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

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Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman are both Chicago-based humor writers. You can contact them at kappstillmansatire@gmail.com.