Spookier Cryptids For 2021

While you survived a year a most foul, even more scares are on the prowl.

Eli Kaplan
Jan 23 · 3 min read
Image by gorchakov.artem on CreativeCommons

by Henry Block and Eli Kaplan

Thunder crash and lightning bolt!
You’ve opened an atlas of the occult.
While you survived a year a most foul
Even more scares are on the prowl.

Though the future cannot be predicted
Keep an eye out for these new cryptids.
Bid adieu to the Yeti, Mothman, or Sasquatch
For these scarier creatures, it’s wise to keep watch!

The Mid-March Maiden

Category: Wandering spirit
Last Spotted: Bread baking forum
Ability: Making the most of it!

This first lost soul may fill you with sadness;
She’s got what ghost-experts call “The March Madness.”
Don’t listen too long, or you’ll leave brokenhearted;
She’s stuck in that time when the pandemic just started.

Her story is tragic. O! Hear how she speaks!
“I love Tiger King! This’ll be done in two weeks.
I’ll take time for myself! Maybe read some Capote?
Here’s an idea! Let’s party remotely!”

She’ll make jokes about Zoom, She’ll call it “Miss Rona”
“I just heard of whipped coffee, they call it Dalgona.
We’ll just wait it out, so we don’t get bronchitis.”
How sad, she still thinks this disease will unite us.

The Centrist Sphinx

Category: Independent
First Spotted: Caucusing for Bloomberg
Power: Only speaks in puzzling contradictions

In the Desert Sahara, red hot and infernal,
You can find her there or in the Wall Street Journal.
“Hark!” The sphinx will call out with glee,
“My dream ticket is Ted Cruz/AOC.”

“This whole ‘Covid mess’ has made me so grouchy.
Though I’m anti-Vaxx, I support Dr. Fauci.
I say no to guns, but I’m pro-NRA.
My ‘Coexist’ sticker will save the day.”

You’ll cover your ears and scream in confusion!
“I’m pro-impeachment, but there was no collusion!”
But how can this be how anyone thinks?
Beware the cunning of the Centrist Sphinx!

TuFi

Category: Streaming service?
First spotted: Look! Just now on your Apple TV!
Power: Amassing $600 million dollars in venture capital

It’s not Hulu nor Quibi nor Seeso nor Fubo;
It’s on your TV but what does it do, though?
The name can’t be found in an encyclopedia,
You tell yourself maybe it’s something with media?

Is it a platform for gamers or statesmen?
Oh, a contract’s been signed with one Jason Bateman.
It promises content both rich and engrossing.
This beast has been born from tech bros microdosing.

Beware the danger of TuFi’s strange guile.
Resist the urge to begin a free trial!
For if you’re not careful you’ll be shocked to see,
Your card has been charged with a subscription fee!

The TikTok Terror

Category: Multi-millionaire
First spotted: Born during the second Bush administration
Power: Makes onlookers starkly aware of their mortality

This last one will leave you insane and god-fearing;
He has a strong jawline with one dangly earring.
A singer? A dancer? What does he do?
An entire youth culture emerged beneath you!

You’ll never keep up with all of his drama;
He’s been canceled for “dunking on” the Dalai Lama!
His fans live worldwide, from Swedes to São Paulo-ers.
His brand deal with Sprite gained him 10,000 followers.

Don’t try to fit in or you’ll drive yourself wild;
Would you explain an iPad to a Victorian child?
He’ll say “Fenty poggers.” Just accept defeat!
You won’t understand him, you’ve become obsolete!

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