Stop Worrying About Your Embarrassing Childhood Memories
Nobody cares
If you were to survey a random group of 100 adults, chances are that 99 of them would admit that they still, to this day, periodically revisit the memory of some painfully embarrassing childhood humiliation. I’m talking about the the memory that comes back to you in your quiet moments — resurfacing while you watch TV, or wait for the bus, or lay wide awake in bed.
Most of us are haunted by some some horrible “cringey” thing we said, or did, or wore to school. That’s just the way life goes. But as uncomfortable as this is, it is just natural part of the human experience. Horrible? Yes. Awful? Sure. Uncomfortable? You bet. But natural, nonetheless.
Now, are you ready for some good news?
Here it is. For anyone that needs to hear it:
Nobody remembers these events but you.
Nobody is thinking about you! You alone are torturing yourself with these long forgotten faux pas, and it is high-time you let them go.
Isn’t that a relief?
Nobody is out there talking about your old school days. It’s literally been years. You’re not that person anymore and nobody thinks of you that way. You are an adult now.
I mean, what? You think I sometimes just sit around remembering the time Alec Lemler wore that stupid leather jacket to school? And you could tell he really had to build up the nerve to do it? But then he tripped in the lunch line and he went sprawling out on the floor? And his spaghetti went flying everywhere? And everyone called him “The Fonz” for the rest of the year? Even though he never wore that stupid jacket again?
You think that brings an evil smile to my face to this day?
Wow.
So let me get this straight — In your mind, I am (maybe once or twice a month) reminded of that weird little run Andrew Romano did to the bus stop every day. Because, what, he was “training” for American Ninja Warriors? And like, what would that even mean? Did he think that running 20 yards from his house to the bus stop was going to qualify him to appear on national television? And he kept it up for his entire freshman year? And the whole bus thought he looked like an absolute idiot?
That is just pure delusion.
Man, but you really believe, for instance, that me and my friends get together every Christmas Eve, and somehow the topic of Seth MacIntyre shitting his pants in 4th grade Health class just comes up organically? Every single year? You’re honestly telling me that you imagine we all go around the room doing impressions of that goofy wide-eyed face he pulled? Followed by the high pitched shrieking sound he made as he bolted out of the classroom? You think we often laugh at this so hard we actually have difficulty breathing?
Oh, brother.
But you are going to sit there and tell me you are under the impression that every time we see a picture of Seth MacIntyre on the internet, a 32 year old office manager with children of his own, we are somehow instantly transported back to that day? The single most humiliating moment of Seth MacIntyre’s life? An event which has, in our minds, become the nucleus of his entire identity?
Grow up. We don’t do that. Nobody does.
I suppose I can understand why people feel this paranoia. I guess I just got lucky that I have no such memories to torment me. I suppose it is a blessing that I got through all of childhood, puberty, and high school without any sort of humiliating incident at all!
Just smooth sailing all through my formative years!
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…I mean, except for that one thing…
