Strategy Suggestions For The Russian Armed Forces
Stop putting big black arrows on maps showing where your troops are marching.
Try lining up your soldiers in a straight line in descending order by height, that way when Ukranians see your army, they’ll think you’ve only sent one very tall man.
Halve vodka ration to one liter per day.
Paint Ukrainian bread store mural on side of mountain, hungry soldiers will run headfirst into it expecting to buy bread.
Tell the world that you heard Lenin mumbling under glass and that he said everyone better let Russia do what they want or you’re all in trouble.
The Earth is a sphere, try going around the other way and attacking from that side.
Have your UN delegate invite cool countries to lunch and say Ukraine can’t sit with you, the delegate will become sad and morale will lower across the country.
Ask Igor to help out.
They don’t understand Russian, ask them to surrender in Ukrainian.
Modernize military equipment to meet standards of at least 1994 Chechen War.
Construct largest slingshot in the world to shoot down opposing aircraft and earn centerfold in The Guinness Book of World Records 2022.
Don’t bother paying attention to public infrastructure. Chernobyl was a freak accident, what are the chances of there being two freak accidents?
See if Poles have forgiven you for that whole Iron Curtain hullabaloo and pursue alliance.
Announce on TikTok that you are “this close” to having a billion soldiers. American teens will sign up in droves because “it’s hilarious”.
Maybe try shaving all your beards, if you want the job you gotta look the job.
Figure out what everyone east of Moscow is doing and see if they want to join the effort anytime soon.
Scale back on water breaks, yes at one point they weren’t getting enough but now the soldiers are taking advantage of your kindness.
Attack… China?
No wait, attack Afghanistan.
Seek advice from white teenager in Portland on what Marx would do.
Learn to be content with what you have and spend time considering that maybe you were mistaken. Write a list of all your skills and accomplishments and realize you didn’t need Ukraine for those. You are strong, you are beautiful, and no one will think any less of you if you apologize.
