Submission Guidelines For Prayer Requests To God
The King of Kings accepts unsolicited supplications for divine intervention, within the following guidelines:
SUBMISSIONS
Send the prayer verbally, whilst on your knees and/or bowing your head reverently. Do not put your adjuration into writing. Do not submit via song, smoke signal, and especially not a yard sign. Our Father hates those things.
Please do not format your entreaty in an unusual way. Just tell God what you need, short and sweet, Amen.
Before submitting, consider whether your appeal is suitable for the Holy One. Make sure that you have read your Bible before submitting prayer requests so that you have a sense of the kind of prayers the Great Shepherd is after.
TIMELY PLEAS
If your appeal is timely (and by timely, I mean you’re just about to snort that blow even though you’ve been clean and sober for 23 years), please submit by donning your Sunday best, sprinkling incense about you, genuflecting three times, then bellowing:
Hey God Who Works Wonders!
Pressing Desideratum! Pressing Desideratum! Pressing Desideratum!
You may then proceed to speak your entreaty in a normal voice.
