Subscribe To “Hot Kant,” My Adult Magazine That’s Just Centerfolds Of Immanuel Kant
Dear Prospective Subscriber,
There is no erogenous zone more sensitive than the brain, and nothing gets you hotter than rubbing up against raw genius.
That’s why I have created the new erotic magazine “Hot Kant,” a celebration of the brilliant Immanuel Kant in the form of glossy pull-out centerfolds. My market research says this magazine is perfect for your tastes, based on both your readership of “The Philosophical Review,” and your search history on Pornhub.
Subscribe today to fuel your fleshly fantasies of making sweet love to a fully clothed logician. You’ll receive twelve steamy issues a year, conveniently delivered to your door in an unmarked polybag, featuring the world’s most irresistibly fuckable philosopher.
I am the Larry Flynt of intellectual intercourse, and you can come (and come, and come) with me on a visual journey to cerebral climax. Join me as a patron of this periodical, for a mutual release of Kantian kink.
I’ve included examples of the cognitively-stimulating centerfolds you can expect, like the above engraving, in which Kant pierces you with a “come hither and I shall ravish your very mind” look.
And yes, the magazine is made up completely of 11 x 22-inch gatefold spreads. You’ll never need the excuse “I only read it for the morality,” since there is no text at all, just imagery to inflame your brain and engorge your gonads. You appreciate the classics, and there’s nothing more classic than 2D print pornography. Pin it up to your wall, ceiling, headboard, or wherever you like to look during your most private sexual adventures.
“Hot Kant” admittedly stands in opposition to Kant’s own views on sexual objectification. As stated in his Lectures on Ethics:
“Sexual love makes of the loved person an Object of appetite; as soon as that appetite has been stilled, the person is cast aside as one casts away a lemon which has been sucked dry.”
But just reading that scintillating statement gets your motor running, doesn’t it? Imagining Kant sucking anything dry is enough to make you need carnal satisfaction. Surely he can forgive our touching ourselves to his gorgeous visage and obviously-muscular-under-all-that-wool physique. I would argue it’s unethical not to rub one out when faced with the object-which-is-Kant.
And you’ll receive a free gift just for subscribing: a copy of the “Hot Kant Cookbook”!
Swoon over recipes for 18th Century German delicacies which could very well have passed Kant’s supple lips, from schweinshaxe to kaiserschmarren. For an added thrill, plate the dishes directly onto one of the centerfolds, so you can salivate as you eat off of Kant’s prone, glistening body.
Wait, how the fuck did this portrait of David Hume get in here? Get that toad-faced monstrosity out of my sight. Reason may be the slave of the passions, but Hume is the slave of the ugly stick. Put a bag over that schmuck’s head and let’s get back to a real man.
Oh, thank God, there’s that strong jaw and hunky forehead of the sex-machine Kant.
For the low, low price of a year’s subscription, “Hot Kant” delivers the necessary optic material to feel this stud massage your frontal lobes with his categorical imperative:
“Act only according to that maxim whereby you can, at the same time, will that it should become a universal law.”
Mmmmmmmm. What’s more arousing than a statement of moral obligation? Nothing, that’s what. Decency is the ultimate aphrodisiac, and the categorical imperative is so goddamn decent, it’ll make anyone’s undercarriage salaciously slippery.
And nobody is immune to the allure of Kant’s promotion of racism.
Wait…what the fuck? Hold on, I didn’t hear anything about that in my Western Thought classes…
Okay, I investigated, and I’m sorry… apparently Kant helped create “scientific” racial categories which were a basis for modern white supremacy. Oh, wow. There’s nothing sexy about that bullshit.
Is it moral to thirst for a thinker who could be that contradictory?
Well damn, get your first issue of “Hot Kant” so you can find out for yourself. Wrestle with that quandary while fantasizing about wrestling Immanuel Kant to the ground, and writhing with him in shared pulsating prurience. Dream of penalizing him for his transgressions while you peer at his pull-out portraits and playfully punish your privates.
I look forward to hearing from you about your subscription very soon. I can’t wait to get my “Hot Kant” in your hands.
With stimulating sincerity,
Dr. Bill Bradley
Editor-in-Chief
Hot Kant Magazine
