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Learn to love yourself through stuff, girlfriend!

Time heals all wounds. But so does stuff. (Photo by jesse ramirez on Unsplash)

Rhetorically, who needs a man when you can have a man (in government uniform!) deliver a fabulous package to your door every month? The SpinsterSwag Box® is the #1 subscription service in the country (according to Die Alone Monthly) and the materialistic answer to flying solo in a world filled with endless, extraordinary love!

At a minimum, SpinsterSwag Box® subscribers can expect: a thoughtful handwritten note that uses words like “beautiful” and “ strong” and “inspiring” so that all beautiful, strong, inspiring single women truly understand they’re not worthless old hags — plus, some medium-quality beauty and lifestyle items that will make you say, “Oh, wow. I didn’t really need this.” For just $299 a month, we guarantee to distract you from the brutal reality of your loneliness for at least the entire span of a Real Housewives argument. Unbox your true potential, girl!

Here’s what’s coming in this month’s box:

Over-the-Counter WineQuil™️

We know you love a casual glass of wine, you adorable drunk! But drinking Pinot out of that Olivia Pope long-stemmed goblet in your fat pants after every bad date? Kinda tragic, sweetie. So if you’re ready to get turnt after getting burnt, but not in a way that results in emo Facebook posts and sulky Snapchat selfies, pour yourself some delicious, powerful WineQuil. It tastes like Napa, but results in a safe, effective 12-hour nap, so please — please — knock yourself out!

A Vibrator That Also Tells You Your Jokes are Funny

We’ve got a good feeling about this, babe! This miracle product not only gets you off, but gets off on your hilarious one-liners! It will say, “hahaha, you’re a comedic genius, Kristen!” after you say something like, “I’m really loving the vibe in here” while going to town on your own singles box! Way to put the come in comedy and love yourself first, funny girl.

Start Over® — The Face Mask That Gives You An Entirely New Face

Face your problems head on, honey! This luxurious mask hydrates, smooths and perfects your skin overnight with a revolutionary, top-secret, scientifically-uncertain formula that magically alters the entire look of your god-given face, considering that might be the thing holding you back? We think you’re perfect, though. Really. Swear.

Sugar-Free Carb-Free Gluten-Free Fat-Free It’s Just Dirt™️ “Chocolate” Bar

Soon enough, you can be fat and happy in a relationship, but while you’re on your tedious, endless journey, it’s better to stay super fit and unreasonably sad! This amazing bar will let you indulge in the #1 single-lady snack without gaining a pound or enjoying anything nice in life.

Johnson & Johnson’s No More Tears® Crying Lotion

Aw, did you spend the evening sobbing into your Postmates order again because it’s Tuesday and you’re alone watching My 600-pound Life? We get it. That blows. Just like your nose, you beautiful bawler, which is why this lotion is perfect for your red, raw, bloated princess face! Rub it on your sore, Kleenex-punished skin and let the healing begin! (Healing is limited to tender blotchy areas, not your mental or emotional state. There isn’t a potion powerful enough, cutie!!)

A Bra That’s Actually Supportive

Say ta-ta(s) to that bad attitude! Not only does this bra keep your twins properly hoisted, it also senses when you’re feeling melon-choly about trainwreck interactions with love interests or your general glaring loneliness. When you really need to get some feelings off your chest, this new patented bra technology will text your phone with supportive phrases like, “you’re the tits!” or “hope you have the breast day ever!” (Look, it could be worse.)

Literally Just Three Cats

Have no fear, the purrfect swag is here! It’s inevitable, hun. At this point, your vibrator laughs at your jokes, so why not round out the remaining emotional support you need? We can’t personality-match the felines delivered in each box, but just know these three pussies are orphans from another beautiful, strong single lady who died all alone in her studio apartment, so shoutout to you for helping the Spinster community and really committing to the lifestyle!

A Sweater So Oversized You Can Live In It

This XXXXXXXL sweater is basically a tent with a head hole. Sew kewt, right? There’s clearly no better place to be sad about your relationship status than inside the comforts of a chunky sweater, and this one’s so chunky you can move your three cats inside! The yurt-shirt is the perfect way to cozy up to the realities of single-lady life and almost certainly guarantees your continued business with us!