Tallying The Scrabble Point Value Of Your Break-Up Explanation
He called pizza ZA. 11 points.
He could never remember that you preferred bread and butter pickles over GHERKINS. 16 points.
He was way too close with his college roommate JO. Like, take-a-boys’-hiking trip-twice-a-year-and-once-on-Valentine’s-Day close. Double Word Score, 18 points.
YOWZA! Your dog absolutely hated him. 20 points.
Those earrings he gave you for your birthday appeared QUARTZY, but were actually made of nickel, which you are allergic to. 28 points.
He QUIZIFIED you for wearing llama footie pajamas in your mid-thirties when he quotes Spongebob unironically. 31 points.
His hands got SQUEEZY around your female relatives to the point where you realized his request for a game of Twister was just a facade for “accidental” groping. Double letter score on Q, 38 points.
His expectations of houses in his price range were QUIXOTIC. He believed he could afford a five-bedroom lakehouse, when his bank account proved he could only afford a Barbie Dreamhouse. Double word score, 54 points.
His schedule seemed to have the perfect alignment, or SYZYGY, with your sister’s. On nights when he worked late, your sister could “never make it to the phone.” Triple word score, 75 points.
He made you feel like a Soviet prisoner, a ZEK, by counting your calories and forbidding you from even glancing at a carb. Triple letter on Z and triple word score, 78 points.
He swapped your OXAZEPAM for sugar pills so you’d feel more anxiety wondering why your anxiety medication wasn’t working. Triple letter on X and double word score, 94 points.
You QUICKLY learned, early in the relationship, that he was a SCOUNDREL and completely JINXED your hopes at ever finding true love. But, like a WHIZBANG he made a terrible whine every time you tried to leave. Then, he would get slightly drunk, or SQUIFFY, and would make a convincing plea. But yesterday, when you discovered he had the CHUTZPAH to tattoo the artwork from several Nickelback albums onto his biceps, you said enough was enough. Total points: Incalculable, as you had All the Right Reasons for tossing your Scrabble tiles into the garbage disposal, along with your wedding band.
More from Nat Hrvatin: