Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Easter, 2014

★★☆☆☆ (2 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Easter, 2014.

For some of us, Easter is the time Jesus came back to life. For others it is simply a time when you can find candy hidden in the park and adults yell at you for taking it even though it was just laying right there and no kid was ever going to find it because it was hidden so well and besides who wants their child to eat candy found on the ground?

In 2014 I decided I would avoid all the nagging parents by hiding candy for myself all over my house. In order to not know where the candy was, I hid it six months earlier in the hopes I would forget its location. Unfortunately that meant that after finding candy all over my house for six months, by the time Easter came I had already eaten it all. At least I think I ate it all. I couldn’t find any more.

Needless to say it was a pretty frustrating Easter. I spent almost five hours searching for candy and the closest thing I found was a breath mint I dropped under my couch earlier in the day. It was a pretty good breath mint, but still — all that hard work and preparation for Easter was ruined.

I decided to relax by turning on the TV to watch the Easter Day Parade. It turns out there’s no such parade. I was thinking of the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Strike two for Easter.

I wondered if anyone else was having as crummy of an Easter as I was. I looked out the window and everyone seemed pretty happy about the whole thing. No one was crying or looked angry. Why was my Easter so unpleasant while everyone else’s was so grand?

That was it. I was determined to make my Easter amazing. I pulled out my favorite book (The Diary of Anne Frank), made my favorite meal (quail), and sat on my porch to watch the day fade away. Unfortunately, I faded away too, and when I woke up there was a trail of ants running up my leg to the quail I’d spilled on my lap.

Still determined to make the best of things, I made an ant farm.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing napkins.

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