Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Food Trucks

★★☆☆☆ (2 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing food trucks.

A food truck is a very small restaurant that you’re not allowed inside of. Instead of sitting at a table, your food is handed to you through a window like at a drive-thru, except the restaurant is the one doing the driving.

Most restaurants you can return to, but with food trucks they drive off to a new location, which can make them hard to find. I drove around in search of a tasty hot-dog food truck I was fond of and encountered it driving north on Freeport, but the driver refused to pull over no matter how much beeping or waving I did.

The next time I find a food truck I like, I’m going to let the air out of its tires so I’ll be able to find it again. It’s embarrassing to bring a date to an empty curb and say there was a restaurant there last time.

The only food trucks that come to you are ice cream trucks, but no matter how much ice cream you eat, it doesn’t make for a real meal. Not even the deceptively named Choco Taco.

I’ve never been inside a food truck, but my guess is they use the heat from the engine to cook the food. Like how I cook food on my radiators at home during the winter or use my oven to heat my house. That’s why I had an oven installed in my bedroom — so I can stay warm and eat pies from bed.

Maybe one day I’ll open a food truck in my car, cooking Korean burritos in the engine and baking cookies on the dashboard in the hot, summer sun. Instead of driving around and making people look for me, I’ll be more like an ice cream truck and come to the people. Like if Santa Claus was a chef.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing holes.