Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Girl Scout Cookies

★★★★★ (5 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Girl Scout cookies.

It’s that time of year again, when Girl Scouts are out selling their delicious cookies! You can find them being sold on street corners, similar to how drugs are sold but with a table. The cookies are also very drug like in their addictiveness. They are unlike a drug in that they are seasonal, and drugs are a year-round affair.

I think it’s sexist that there are no Boy Scout cookies. As if girls are the only ones who can bake. There should definitely be a boy version for people who want tougher sounding cookies like Fat Mints. Or simply for people who don’t want to support the Girl Scouts but still want to support someone.

I imagine if the two types of scouts had to compete with one another in cookie sales, most people would favor the Girl Scouts out of loyalty. However, there is a scandal regarding Girl Scout cookies that could turn the tide, and I am about to reveal it to you. GIRL SCOUTS DO NOT BAKE THOSE COOKIES.

If you don’t believe me, ask one of the Girl Scouts for her recipe and watch how confused she gets. I asked one girl how much magnesium phosphate she uses and she didn’t even know what I was talking about. She just stared at me blankly. I was so appalled to learn the truth that I only bought three boxes.

I’m not certain who bakes them but whoever it is is a master baker and deserves to be credited. I hope that not all of the proceeds go to the Girl Scouts and some goes to the mystery baker. If I learn they use forced labor to bake these, I will have to buy a lot fewer cookies in the future.

My favorite cookie is the shortbread one but if I had to choose a second it would be the Samoas because they have a hole in the center. While this does mean less cookie mass, the hole can be used to turn the cookie into a ring when placed on your finger. This makes it possible to wear and eat up to ten cookies at a time. The downside is you can’t use your hands for anything else which makes wiping away the crumbs pretty difficult. You have to use your shoulder for that.

The only thing I don’t like about Girl Scout cookies is how when you get to the end of the box, there is not a hidden compartment with more cookies. It’s just the end.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing MacGyver.