Ten Friendly Reminders To Our Yoga Teachers
1. Don’t tell students you micro-dosed before you came to class and that you feel “floaty and fabulous and connected to the Divine Goddess.”
2. Don’t, under any circumstances, say the words: Buddha, Christ, Moses, Mohammed, God. (During Christmas, you may say “Spirit” if you must, but try to combine it with shopping-related themes, like the 10% discounts local stores provide to you. Thank you, Healthy Vegan Delights!)
3. Don’t be overzealous and administer the Heimlich maneuver to Elaine whenever she seems to be coughing uncontrollably. Elaine is a self-professed hypochondriac. We keep candies behind the front desk near the vanilla candle. Just offer Elaine a candy and she’ll feel taken care of.
4. Don’t call Savasana “corpse pose.” I am fully aware (after my weekend yoga certification) that “savasana” literally means “corpse” in Sanskrit. Death is not part of our branding. Don’t say the word “corpse” in class. It frightens folks and I get bombarded with emails. We’re in the life-enhancing business, not the let’s-prepare-for-death-business, team.
5. Do water the plants if you happen to be in the studio on Mondays, Sundays, or Wednesdays. (Talk to them too, but not in front of clients. We don’t want them to think we’re crazy, just hip.)
6. Don’t play anything by Amy Winehouse. We have a lot of guests struggling with addiction. “Rehab” is not appropriate to play during a Yoga Flow class!
7. Don’t play anything by Leonard Cohen. He’s too depressing, too full of longing, and too Jewish (and I’m culturally Jewish, so no hate mail, please!) My inbox gets deluged with complaints every time. Even “Suzanne” isn’t safe. (It’s the Jesus reference, people!)
8. Don’t light incense in class. As of January 2024, we’re an incense-free zone. See memo #31 about how new member Lauren is allergic to incense and went into anaphylactic shock in Keri’s Yin Yoga.
9. Don’t bring ethnic foods to the studio! It smells things up. Even sushi smells. I pay a lot of money for the Scentastic Service Ventilation System. Don’t compromise the integrity of their hard work for your dinner.
10. Don’t talk about your divorce, your sorrows, or how you can’t afford to put gas in your old car. You were hired to be a “flexible light unto others” (see page 2, paragraph 2 of contract). Play the part or become a barista at Coffee High. My husband’s Wharton buddy owns the strip mall at their Cherry Street location, and they are always hiring.
P.S. I almost forgot: Everyone should reread Memo #432 of May 2024: “Don’t say ‘namaste’ anymore in class. It turns out no one really knows what it means, precisely. And don’t try to translate it. Just forget about it.”
P.P.S. Do smile, smile, smile. (There are whitening strips at front desk, in a cute crystal bowl beside the hair bands).
With love and gratitude,
xo
Molly
Founder and Owner
Lotus Flower Yoga
Lisa Grunberger is a writer, poet, and yoga teacher in Philadelphia who loves playing Amy Winehouse and Leonard Cohen in downward dog. www.Lisa-Grunberger.com. She would like nothing less than to send you a signed copy of one of her many delightful books.
