Ten Things My Health Insurance Company Expects Cause I’m Turning 30

Next year my monthly health insurance premium will go from $185.12 to $657.48 for the exact same coverage, but as a 30-year-old!

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Next year my monthly health insurance premium will go from $185.12 to $657.48 for the exact same coverage, but as a 30-year-old! Here are some of the fun things I plan to do, which totally justify this 255% cost increase!

1. Have a baby every month, twins on the months with 31 days, and triplets on the months ending in “ber.”
2. Transplant my heart on Valentine’s Day for a decorative chocolate box heart, then transplant my regular heart back on February 15th, only to find that it was broken and needs reconstructive surgery.
3. Ride an ambulance every Tuesday of the month in the hopes of expanding my in-network networking. What the heck, replace my car with an ambulance and replace myself with an ambulance driver.
4. Have a total removal of the spleen while listening to “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” and filming it as part of a national commercial so that my insurance company has to pay for the music rights too!
5. Sign up for a bowel-to-bowel fusion because of my bowl-to-bowl fusion, which is just…