Thank God the Olympics Are Over and We Can Go Back To Being Unapologetic Slackers

Photo via USA Gymnastics

The past several weeks, our hearts soared and ached with the complex drama of Rio games. Records were smashed, the patriarchy challenged, and we witnessed some of the most raw emotions that human beings can experience.

BUT FOR FUCK’S sake. I have never felt like a more useless, lazy piece of shit. All thanks to the barrage of beautiful Olympic bodies and skills.

There was a lot of negative feedback about the overemphasis of women’s bodies at the Olympics. The gender distinction is clear — women’s bodies WERE discussed differently during the Games than men’s bodies. However, it is our god-given right to marvel in the stupefying athletic splendor that is the Olympian physique. It is impossible not to objectify Olympic athletes in this manner. They are fucking specimens of the human fucking species. I mean, have you seen Justin Gatlin’s thighs? Strong and giant like oak trees sculpted out of marble. Aly Raisman’s abs are so prominent and defined that they resemble a clowder of sleeping kittens. Let’s face it, Homo Erectus just doesn’t get any hotter than Olympians. Upon winning a medal, they should just be drugged and displayed in a museum alongside other beautiful exhibits of rare Amazonian jewelry and Mongolian herding animals. I wish I could’ve gone to to Rio purely to Tinder-stalk as many athletes as possible.* They are undeniably majestic and graceful.

And then there’s the rest of us slovenly assholes. Olympians physically train for 4–5 hours or more EVERY GODDAMN DAY and I complain when my husband can’t pick me up to save me the 10 minute walk home from the train. It throws off my mood for an entire day when I have to park farther than spitting distance from the donut shop. Olympians fill their bodies with pure protein like lean cuts of grass-fed beef and cold Pacific-caught whitefish. Most of my protein intake comes from pulling the cheese from the top of cold pizza and shoveling it in my mouth while still standing in front of the open refrigerator.

Thus, while glorious, the Olympics always come with a strong dose of slacker guilt. (Related: It’s SUPER fun to get really high and play Olympic Judge from the comfort of your couch.) There is nothing that makes you feel shittier about your gene pool than watching Allyson Felix run. Hell, Allyson Felix doing anything. She is so perfect that I’m certain she appears statuesque and gorgeous while cleaning her toilet or eating a gas station burrito. Haha who am I kidding? Allyson Felix clearly only eats (LEAN CUTS OF) unicorn meat and Elven lembas bread because she is magic. I watch her and am painfully reminded of my hobbit-style body type and inability to complete one pull-up.

I just want to eat my Cheetos without being faced with the awareness of how terrible they are for me. Processed orange cheese dust is probably even a substance banned by IOC. Cheeto chemicals are known to shrivel testicles as badly as steroids.** When I watched the ladies with their superhero shoulders high-dive the hell out of that green pool — I couldn’t help but think about my Cheeto choice and self-consciously prod at my smiling belly. I want to be blissfully ignorant of my food’s crap-status — something I just can’t be while watching the Olympics.

So while it’s been a wonderful adventure for the entire world, and a reminder of how spectacular humanity can be — it’s time for it to be over. It’s time for us to get back to putting our garbage food into our garbage bodies without the constant reminder of how disgusting we are. I am thrilled that with the closing ceremonies, I not only said goodbye to an epic display of culture, education, and equality — but goodbye also to feeling like a monster shitbag for getting drunk at noon and passing out in the backyard. God bless you, athletes. Thank you for your…inspiration.

*Although this would likely turn out to be even more demoralizing. As a mere mortal, I would have ZERO chance of matching with any athletes, and could at best hope only for an above-average looking Brazilian member of the janitorial staff.

  • *SCIENCE! No but actually I made that one up.

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