Thank you for Applying to MegaCorp™
Please prepare for the pre-employment personality examination
We at MegaCorp™ are thought leaders. Innovators. Hungry. Passionate.
Since our founding in 1932, MegaCorp™ has led the field in industry success.
The following assessment will critically examine your personality and determine if you’re capable of working competently in an office based environment or if you’re an unhinged ax murderer. Nothing personal.
Answer the following questions by choosing a number between one and six. There are no right or wrong answers, but for the love of God please choose the right ones.
Let’s get started.
If presented with an unfamiliar problem, would you waste a lot of time coming up with an ineffectual solution (1) or would you bother your manager while they could be doing important work (6)?
1 2 3 4 5 6
Do you prefer to waste time playing candy crush on your phone in the third stall on the second floor bathroom (1) or waste time playing candy crush on your work computer when you think no one’s looking (6)?
1 2 3 4 5 6
Do you prefer to burn popcorn in the microwave (1) or leave raw fish on the break room counter overnight (6)?
1 2 3 4 5 6
Tell us about a time when you helped a customer solve a problem (1) or a time when a customer helped you crack the case and make it in time for the big school dance(6)?
1 2 3 4 5 6
Are you a pretty boy with a dark secret (1) or ruggedly handsome with a complicated past (6)?
1 2 3 4 5 6
Is your favorite late ’90s/early 2000s boy-band N’Sync (1) or Backstreet Boys (6)?
1 2 3 4 5 6
Jasmine (1) or Ariel (6)?
1 2 3 4 5 6
Which bear is cuter, a Koala Bear (1) or a Panda Bear (6)?
1 2 3 4 5 6
Trick question, neither are real bears. Boy, I bet you sure feel dumb.
Would you describe yourself more as an obnoxious know it all (1) or as an agoraphobic android (6)?
1 2 3 4 5 6
Would you describe yourself more as a pathological liar (1) or the type of person who dropkicks baby rabbits for pleasure (6)?
1 2 3 4 5 6
Would you describe this test more as Kafkaesque (1) or Orwellian (6)?
1 2 3 4 5 6
Essay Section:
In 10,000 words or more, please tell us about a time when you added value as a team player in a collaborative environment to produce deliverables with a smile on your face [NOTE: The essay portion of the exam is ungraded. Nonetheless, it will count towards fifty percent of your total score. Your essay will be read to a blind sea-lion who will ascertain your personality according to five critical factors, four of which will remain unknown to you. The fifth is available only to those who dare to seek the truth]:
Thank you for wasting your time with all of us at MegaCorp™today. Your answers are now being compiled by an AI program after which they will be summarily deleted without ever once reaching human eyes.
If you have not heard from us in 6–18 months, you may send us a postcard at 666 None of Your Business Lane, Waco TX where it will be incinerated upon arrival.
