Thanks For Contacting Jersey PILFs, Your Source For Sexy Plumbers
At Jersey PILFs we give customers what they really want: a show.
Welcome to Jersey PILFs, the Tri-State Area’s premier — and only — sensual residential plumbing company. Our clients are our only priority. Other plumbers fuss over exploding toilets and gushing faucets. At Jersey PILFs, we give customers what they really want: a show.
Do our sexy plumbers sometimes, maybe always, forget to shut off the water to the toilet before they pull it from its base? Sure, but we haven’t had one client grumble about that. Probably because a PILF-drenching is expected. Their shirts won’t drape chiseled pecs and washboard abs like wet toilet paper without a good soaking.
Will a PILF need to borrow your computer to watch plumbing videos on YouTube? Yes, but the sultry way they hold the mouse and stroke it with a strong, manly finger as they scroll will make you wish they’d never find that tutorial video, “How to Get a Toilet to Flush.” Not to worry, when a PILF does learn enough to make a half-hearted attempt at unsticking the flush lever, you will enjoy watching that as well.
Old-school plumbers display their flabby butt crack as they fix clogged toilets, leaky sinks, and bathtub drains choked with hair. Truly, nothing sexy about any of that.
At Jersey PILFs, though, we focus on the raw desirability of the plumber, not so much the repair of the plumbing fixtures. We will turn away any applicant with actual plumbing experience. It would just take too long to get them retrained.
Instead, we hire Chippendale dancers, GQ cover models, and anyone with the last name Hemsworth. That way we only need to teach them how to appear to be assessing a plumbing situation: arms folded across their rock-hard chest, raised eyebrow and a slow nod, while saying “hmm,” “ah-hah,” and “um.” And, of course, that all toilet-related problems can be traced to the customer flushing a Wet Wipe.
Our plumbers don’t carry tools. There’s no room for a toolbox in a sports car, and a toolbelt would only obstruct the view. PILFs carry a hanging wardrobe full of extra outfits so they can stand in your driveway and change clothes after a thorough PILF-drenching. That only leaves room for a barbell loaded with 350 pounds, plus an assortment of kettlebells.
Without those, they couldn’t get jacked before their next appointment.
Our PILFs wield a plunger like nobody’s business. To show off their immense traps, lats, and pecs, the boys love to plunge against a closed toilet lid. Due to their sheer strength, plunging forcefully inside the bowl results in gallons of raw sewage being sucked up and sprayed vigorously across the bathroom walls.
Not a pretty sight.
Speaking of raw sewage, septic jobs are pricey because we need to send a team of six or seven PILFs. Without fail, one of them will strike a water main soon after starting to dig. This results in a massive PILF-drenching, followed by spirited mud wrestling. Despite the cost for that many PILFs, customers always tip generously after these sessions.
Take some time to peruse our plumbers’ seductive portfolios. Here are a few of our top performers:
Colton — Dropped out of high school to crunch his way to a twelve-pack. Dedicated. His schoolteacher parents are thrilled that he became a trade professional.
Wyatt — Straight-shooter. Adores puppies. Sultry. Wouldn’t know a pipe wrench if it bit him on the glutes.
Jordan — His hips don’t lie. Loyal to a fault. Feels sorry for his dad who can’t get a job with us because he’s worked as a plumber for seventeen years.
Nick — Winner of “Most Symmetrical Facial Features” competition three years running. Likes to sculpt farm animals from plumber’s putty.
Alessandro — Insanely thick eyelashes. Speaks Italian when excited, heavily accented English otherwise. Thinks drain snakes are venomous reptiles.
Please note: Jordan is out today. His hips may not lie, but they also didn’t prevent him from pulling a hammy getting out of bed. My wife went to give him a sports massage. She loves putting her one-hour soft tissue manipulation class to good use helping our boys.
Thanks for calling 800-JRZ-PILF. We look forward to servicing you soon.
