The 10 Commandments Of Rod Stewart
Thou shalt not kill, except in the 55–64 female demographic.
I. I am the Lord thy Rod. Thou shalt not have strange Rods before me.
These include but are not limited to Rod Carew, Rod Blagojevich, Alex Rodriguez, Aaron Rodgers, Richard Rodgers, Oscar Hammerstein, and Roddy Piper.
II. Thou shalt not kill, except in the 55–64 female demographic.
III. Thou shalt not take Rod’s name or face in vain.
This goes for all the Faces: Rod’s face, Ronnie’s face . . . Steve’s face? . . . any of them! . . . so help you Rod.
IV. Thou shalt not cover thy neighbor’s song, unless thy neighbor is
· Cool with it (Van Morrison, “Have I Told You Lately?”)
· No longer relevant (The Carpenters, “Reason to Believe”)
· Dead (Sam Cooke, “Having a Party”)
If thou revivest an obscure singer-songwriter record and take it to #3 and win Best Male Pop Vocal for it at the Grammys (Tom Waits, “Downtown Train”), congratulations! Thou hast un-covered the song! Thou mayest claim it as thine and go so boldly far as to title thy box set with it.
V. Thou shalt not commit a-Daltrey.
This includes but is not limited to pretending to listen to thy wife while speculating about where Rod Stewart ranketh compared to Roger Daltrey among the hunk septuagenarians of rock.
Elsewhere, a-Daltrey includes pretending to listen to thy wife while listening to The Who’s “My Wife.”
VI. Remember to keep Holy February 9, 1977, the day Stewart so loved the world that he gave us “Hot Legs.”
VII. Thou shall be cool with Ronnie singing lead on “Ooh La La.”
VIII. Again about covering thy neighbor’s song:
If thou releasest a record titled “Forever Young,” with many of the same lyrics as another “Forever Young,” and if thou imbuest thy “Forever Young” with unintended and undesired sentimentality . . .
Hmmmm . . .
Agree to divide the proceeds with Bob Dylan.
IX. If thou art thinking, “Wait a minute, has this guy ever written a hit song on his own? What about ‘Maggie May’?” watch thy tone.
X. Thou shalt not bear false witness.
This includes but is not limited to scoffing at the very idea of Rod Stewart in public and, in private, turning up thy kitchen radio on “Rhythm of My Heart” and, as the song fadeth, understanding that thou art
· Emotional
· Adrift in this world
· Saluting an unseen flag
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