The 10 Commandments Of Rod Stewart

Thou shalt not kill, except in the 55–64 female demographic.

Jeff Bender
Slackjaw
Published in
2 min readMay 7, 2020

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Rod Stewart (Getty Images — Fair Use)

I. I am the Lord thy Rod. Thou shalt not have strange Rods before me.

These include but are not limited to Rod Carew, Rod Blagojevich, Alex Rodriguez, Aaron Rodgers, Richard Rodgers, Oscar Hammerstein, and Roddy Piper.

II. Thou shalt not kill, except in the 55–64 female demographic.

III. Thou shalt not take Rod’s name or face in vain.

This goes for all the Faces: Rod’s face, Ronnie’s face . . . Steve’s face? . . . any of them! . . . so help you Rod.

IV. Thou shalt not cover thy neighbor’s song, unless thy neighbor is

· Cool with it (Van Morrison, “Have I Told You Lately?”)

· No longer relevant (The Carpenters, “Reason to Believe”)

· Dead (Sam Cooke, “Having a Party”)

If thou revivest an obscure singer-songwriter record and take it to #3 and win Best Male Pop Vocal for it at the Grammys (Tom Waits, “Downtown Train”), congratulations! Thou hast un-covered the song! Thou mayest claim it as thine and go so boldly far as to title thy box set with it.

V. Thou shalt not commit a-Daltrey.

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Jeff Bender
Slackjaw

McSweeney’s, Fence, Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, Electric Literature, Guernica, Funny Times, The Iowa Review. Staff writer at Sports Riot. DSW VIP.