The 10 Commandments Of Rod Stewart

Thou shalt not kill, except in the 55–64 female demographic.

Jeff Bender
May 7, 2020 · 2 min read
Rod Stewart (Getty Images — Fair Use)

I. I am the Lord thy Rod. Thou shalt not have strange Rods before me.

These include but are not limited to Rod Carew, Rod Blagojevich, Alex Rodriguez, Aaron Rodgers, Richard Rodgers, Oscar Hammerstein, and Roddy Piper.

II. Thou shalt not kill, except in the 55–64 female demographic.

III. Thou shalt not take Rod’s name or face in vain.

This goes for all the Faces: Rod’s face, Ronnie’s face . . . Steve’s face? . . . any of them! . . . so help you Rod.

IV. Thou shalt not cover thy neighbor’s song, unless thy neighbor is

· Cool with it (Van Morrison, “Have I Told You Lately?”)

· No longer relevant (The Carpenters, “Reason to Believe”)

· Dead (Sam Cooke, “Having a Party”)

If thou revivest an obscure singer-songwriter record and take it to #3 and win Best Male Pop Vocal for it at the Grammys (Tom Waits, “Downtown Train”), congratulations! Thou hast un-covered the song! Thou mayest claim it as thine and go so boldly far as to title thy box set with it.

V. Thou shalt not commit a-Daltrey.

This includes but is not limited to pretending to listen to thy wife while speculating about where Rod Stewart ranketh compared to Roger Daltrey among the hunk septuagenarians of rock.

Elsewhere, a-Daltrey includes pretending to listen to thy wife while listening to The Who’s “My Wife.”

VI. Remember to keep Holy February 9, 1977, the day Stewart so loved the world that he gave us “Hot Legs.”

VII. Thou shall be cool with Ronnie singing lead on “Ooh La La.”

VIII. Again about covering thy neighbor’s song:

If thou releasest a record titled “Forever Young,” with many of the same lyrics as another “Forever Young,” and if thou imbuest thy “Forever Young” with unintended and undesired sentimentality . . .

Hmmmm . . .

Agree to divide the proceeds with Bob Dylan.

IX. If thou art thinking, “Wait a minute, has this guy ever written a hit song on his own? What about ‘Maggie May’?” watch thy tone.

X. Thou shalt not bear false witness.

This includes but is not limited to scoffing at the very idea of Rod Stewart in public and, in private, turning up thy kitchen radio on “Rhythm of My Heart” and, as the song fadeth, understanding that thou art

· Emotional

· Adrift in this world

· Saluting an unseen flag

Thanks to Alex Baia

Sign up for Yapjaw

By Slackjaw

Yapjaw is Medium's #1 newsletter for all things humor, and we're sorry to say you'll only receive it a few times a month. Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Jeff Bender

Written by

Jeff Bender’s work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Electric Literature, Guernica, Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, and The Iowa Review. jeffbender.net

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Jeff Bender

Written by

Jeff Bender’s work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Electric Literature, Guernica, Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, and The Iowa Review. jeffbender.net

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store