The 2020 Annual Holiday Letter
Dear family and friends,
Toodles, and what a year this has been! 2020 was certainly not the year us Lerners saw coming. Mackenzie was to study abroad in Lyon this past spring, Mark was getting ready for his big college tour, Mitch had a big year of travel for work planned, and I was finally going to branch out into [solidcore] fitness classes. Obviously, things didn’t go according to plan for any of us. But while many things changed in 2020, there was one thing that we felt didn’t need to: the annual Lerner Holiday Letter. So let’s dive in.
Per usual, we’ll start off with the kids. That way, you can see how our only source of joy comes from rubbing their achievements in your faces.
We begin with our youngest and brightest star, Mark, who has to miss out on the entirety of his senior year. Poor baby! Yet as you all know, he is the best in our family at making lemonade. He already found a virtual prom date through an incredible networking site for teens called OnlyFans. I highly recommend it — not only does Mark spend all his time on it, but Mitch also took a look, and said it’s fantastic.
Now onto our Big Mac, aptly named for the amount of weight our girl put on at the beginning of quarantine! While we’ve told Mackenzie time and again to STOP EATING, she continued to gain weight, a phenomenon she blamed on stress from the consistent fighting at home. What a drama queen! Luckily, once we put our college junior on a strictly vegan diet of 1100 calories per day, Mackenzie returned to looking like her emaciated, fifteen-year-old self. Unfortunately, that’s all we have to report on our girl, as she never seems to come out of her room unless it’s for her daily ration of five raspberries.
Mitch, on the other hand, is a tough nut to crack. His increasing impotence in the bedroom aside, he’s doing great. He’s been so successful at work that he slaves into the night with his co-worker, Laura. Who knew that fashion photography could be so intense nowadays! You can often hear the two of them grunting away down there, with a new model coming and going every two weeks — COVID guidelines in place! Also, Laura basically lives with us now to help Mitch finish on time. Luckily, since she’s a model, we don’t have to spend any extra money on groceries! One less thing to argue about between the two of us.
Since you’ve made it this far in the letter, I can only assume it’s to read the best part: mine. Congrats! You made it… and I’m doing great! So great. My family is thriving all on their own, each manifesting their happiness in individualistic ways. It’s like they don’t really need me anymore! As Mitch said to me the other day, “You might as well just get out! It’s not like you’re adding anything.”
In other words, this letter is also an official announcement of Mitch and my’s divorce. I just purchased a small used RV to live out of in Los Angeles, where I am looking forward to making a living as a Zoom fitness instructor. Luckily, since Laura’s around, there’s an extra pair of hands to help with the kids. It’s amazing how despite each day feeling the same this pandemic, so much can change.
Happy holidays to all! May 2021 bring as much positivity and consistency as this year has.
Miranda Lerner
