Ok, guys and gals, you know how it goes: Some days you wake up and you feel like hmmmmm and other days you’re like ooooooh? No matter what though, you always feel like yeaaaaaa, about that…! Am I right or am I right?! Once I realized this about myself, I knew that I MUST. No questions, no delays.
After many long months and failed attempts, I’ve finally found the secret that has worked for me for the past 22 hours — long enough that I now feel like enough of an expert to tell you how. So buckle your panties, because I’m about to reveal everything I know about how to change to become exactly that, once and for all!:
1) Kapow! Do it!
I had to start the list with this one. I know, I know, you’re thinking: “Wow, that escalated quickly!” Well, yeah! I had to kick you in the teeth with the first one, to really grab you by the teeth. As far as list items go, this is Steve Ballmer rushing onto the stage screaming like someone trying to scare off a mountain lion, and already as sweaty as someone who dropped out of the Boston Marathon. Didn’t see that coming did you? Fuck no, because I’m not your normal listicle (except I am in every way).
2) Don’t Do This…?
Did you catch that? This is one that you MUSN’T do. I flipped it just to keep you on your toes. You definitely SHOULDN’T do this, but if you do, that’s probably fine too. Either way, just do or don’t do something sort of like it and you’ll be rewarded — or punished! I’m still working this one out in my head. Afterall, it’s only been 22 hours! I’ll just leave this here for now, for you to decide what to do with, and I’ll write more about it when I figure it out myself.
That leads me here. Of all the things on the list, this is the only actual sound advice. But it’s kind of boring, and that’s why I buried it in the middle of the article. Hopefully, you’re still reeling from #1 (I know I still am!), and scrolling inertia has kept you movin’ on past this one because if you’re actually reading you’ll probably close the article here. The real ooey-gooey, implausible secrets are below!
4) Good Luck With This One
Number four. What can I say about number four except that it’s completely out of reach for all of you. It’s humanly possible, technically, but I highly doubt that anyone has actually achieved it in all of human history. It’s also really vague! Even if I were in charge of grading you for how well you’re carrying out number four, I’d have no idea how to! I kept it on here, though, to make this list sound really deep and meaningful when it’s actually just something I scribbled down buzzed on three glasses of Merlot last night.
5) Shoot for the Moon
Finally, this! It’s the most bullshitty thing on the list, and I saved it for last just to let you off the hook. I really threw you with #4, so I needed this one here to leave you feeling good enough at the end that you’ll share this with your other empty, desperate friends. It goes something like: Yada, yada, yada — Every day that you don’t dance or give thanks is a day you’ve fucked up — yada, yada — be unapologetically you — yada — cut carbs. It’s the listicle equivalent of the Live, Laugh, Love sign your mom has above her toilet. You know, the kind of profound thing that everyone says “OMG! That’s so right!” about but forgets about three seconds later when they go downstairs and realize that someone drank all the fucking milk.
That’s it, guys! If you ever feel like whoa, am I even?, then you NEED to try some of these things. No excuses! You might not get every one of them today, but if you keep at it, you might forget most of them by tomorrow.
If you like what you read here and want to learn about why You Must, try this article about Three Reasons That You Mustn’t, Even Though You Must.