The 5 Things We Know We Must

Kyle O'Reilly
Jan 21 · 3 min read
Image for post
Image for post
This is me sitting on the beach pretending to meditate. I had just pounded four strawberry daiquiris at the tiki bar just off camera. (Photo by Wendy Hero from Pexels)

Ok, guys and gals, you know how it goes: Some days you wake up and you feel like hmmmmm and other days you’re like ooooooh? No matter what though, you always feel like yeaaaaaa, about that…! Am I right or am I right?! Once I realized this about myself, I knew that I MUST. No questions, no delays.

After many long months and failed attempts, I’ve finally found the secret that has worked for me for the past 22 hours — long enough that I now feel like enough of an expert to tell you how. So buckle your panties, because I’m about to reveal everything I know about how to change to become exactly that, once and for all!:

I had to start the list with this one. I know, I know, you’re thinking: “Wow, that escalated quickly!” Well, yeah! I had to kick you in the teeth with the first one, to really grab you by the teeth. As far as list items go, this is Steve Ballmer rushing onto the stage screaming like someone trying to scare off a mountain lion, and already as sweaty as someone who dropped out of the Boston Marathon. Didn’t see that coming did you? Fuck no, because I’m not your normal listicle (except I am in every way).

Did you catch that? This is one that you MUSN’T do. I flipped it just to keep you on your toes. You definitely SHOULDN’T do this, but if you do, that’s probably fine too. Either way, just do or don’t do something sort of like it and you’ll be rewarded — or punished! I’m still working this one out in my head. Afterall, it’s only been 22 hours! I’ll just leave this here for now, for you to decide what to do with, and I’ll write more about it when I figure it out myself.

That leads me here. Of all the things on the list, this is the only actual sound advice. But it’s kind of boring, and that’s why I buried it in the middle of the article. Hopefully, you’re still reeling from #1 (I know I still am!), and scrolling inertia has kept you movin’ on past this one because if you’re actually reading you’ll probably close the article here. The real ooey-gooey, implausible secrets are below!

Number four. What can I say about number four except that it’s completely out of reach for all of you. It’s humanly possible, technically, but I highly doubt that anyone has actually achieved it in all of human history. It’s also really vague! Even if I were in charge of grading you for how well you’re carrying out number four, I’d have no idea how to! I kept it on here, though, to make this list sound really deep and meaningful when it’s actually just something I scribbled down buzzed on three glasses of Merlot last night.

Finally, this! It’s the most bullshitty thing on the list, and I saved it for last just to let you off the hook. I really threw you with #4, so I needed this one here to leave you feeling good enough at the end that you’ll share this with your other empty, desperate friends. It goes something like: Yada, yada, yada — Every day that you don’t dance or give thanks is a day you’ve fucked up — yada, yada — be unapologetically you — yada — cut carbs. It’s the listicle equivalent of the Live, Laugh, Love sign your mom has above her toilet. You know, the kind of profound thing that everyone says “OMG! That’s so right!” about but forgets about three seconds later when they go downstairs and realize that someone drank all the fucking milk.

That’s it, guys! If you ever feel like whoa, am I even?, then you NEED to try some of these things. No excuses! You might not get every one of them today, but if you keep at it, you might forget most of them by tomorrow.

If you like what you read here and want to learn about why You Must, try this article about Three Reasons That You Mustn’t, Even Though You Must.

Follow Slackjaw on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

By Slackjaw

Yapjaw is Medium's #1 newsletter for all things humor, and we're sorry to say you'll only receive it a few times a month. Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Thanks to Sarah James

Kyle O'Reilly

Written by

Futurist and satirist. Writing about what we might step in, so we can avoid stepping in it.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Kyle O'Reilly

Written by

Futurist and satirist. Writing about what we might step in, so we can avoid stepping in it.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store