The Archetypes Of “People You May Know” On Facebook

Photo by Kon Karampelas on Unsplash

1. Your ex’s ex. The one you Facebook stalked that one time and then hurriedly deleted from your search history after peeping a pic of her kissing your ex and looking way hotter than you in a bodycon dress. You can delete their name in the search bar, but not the shame.
2. Your mom’s Bunco friend. The one who tries to set you up with her son while drunkenly slurping Moscato from a cup that says Sassy Bitch and showing you her new selfies on “the Gram” that she’s sure will “definitely give her influencer status this time.” Honestly, her son’s pretty cute but imagining your life as her daughter-in-law where she’s frantically snapping pics of you from every angle at your wedding while shouting “YASS Queen!!!” leaves you seized in terror.
3. Your dad’s brother. Yes, technically that makes him your uncle but ever since that creepy conversation with him on Thanksgiving — the one when he cornered you with a plate of yams and said that “you look just like your mom did at 24,” and then went on to describe, in great detail, what your mom looked like in a bikini that one summer during the family trip to Cabo — it’s just easier to think of him this way.
4. Your boss. He’s friend requested you three times now. He keeps asking if you’ve seen it. You keep saying it must be some kind of glitch. Your time is running out.
5. That one guy from the community college that you sat by when you had to retake Comp I during the summer. He actually friend requested you a month ago and you accepted because you wanted to creep on his page after hearing about his arrest and his page was too private to properly snoop before. But after getting the goods, he always clogged your feed with out of context Goo Goo Dolls lyrics and so you took him off. Plus, the thrill of him somehow shoplifting from the zoo wasn’t as provocative as imagined. It was just some lame meerkat t-shirts. Not worth seeing, “When everything’s meant to be broken I just want you to know who I am” every 48 hours.
6. Your old friend. This one is really too bad because you were really good friends and always got along but then one night he drunkenly texted you: 1:12 AM: “wouldn’t it be sooooo funny if we made out?”
   2:03 AM: “would you ever hook up with me? I mean if u weren’t with ur boyfriend and I wasn’t with my girlfriend?”
   2:05 AM: “I’m not talking about cheating on them. That’d be so messed up. But just like as a hypothetical?”
   4:08 AM: “I was totally joking btw. LOL.
   4:34 AM: “Hey, don’t tell Kendra. I don’t think she’d get it.”
   10:47 AM: “Wow. Rum makes me sooooo crazy. LOL. Can you call me?”
   Seeing his depressing string of blue bubbles was both cringy and upsetting. It was time to cut contact.
7. Your other friend’s dog? Yes, your friend’s dog has a Facebook now. What’s even on it? She already posts nothing but pictures of her dog in different tops, some more expensive than your own, on her own Facebook page. One or two a week is cute, but it’s like three or four A DAY. This reminds you to delete her later.
8. Kendra. You thought you were already friends. She is dating one of your old friends — er, ex-friends. Maybe she found out about his late-night messages and deleted you? Is she actually still dating him? Surely she saw that you didn’t reply to any of those messages. You’ll have to creep on her later and see if she’s still listed as being “in a relationship.”
9. Your old English teacher from high school. How do you possibly have this many mutual friends with him? Yeah, he was “the cool teacher” in high school, but you want to maintain the innocent memory of him from when you were in 9th grade, not taint it with a behind the curtain peek at him wearing sleeveless tees at concerts, glimpses of his weirdo political rants, and him commenting “lookin’ good 😎” on your new profile pic every time you change it. Let’s keep Mr. Swisher preserved in safe nostalgia.
10. Some person with an inanimate object as a profile pic and no real discernable or familiar name. It’s an initial and then the name of a city. You only have two mutuals and it’s your weed dealer and your grandma.

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