The Book of Genesis as Condensed and Revised for Humanists

  1. In the beginning, a burst of intense energy and an explosion of particle matter created the Sun and the Earth among billions of other celestial bodies throughout the known universe. These particles were known as Higgs-Boson particles although neither Higgs nor Boson were around to name them that at the time.
  2. And the Earth was without form and void and the Rotation of the Earth around the Sun, as hypothetically possessing the capabilities of speech and sight, metaphorically said, “Let there be light” and there was light. And the Rotation of the Earth saw that it was pretty good!
  3. And the Rotation of the Earth divided the light from the darkness and called the light Day, and the darkness Night, designating the Night as rather more fun than Day, though there were to be exceptions such as when something called ‘term paper due tomorrow’ would later be created.
  4. And the evening and the morning of the first of countless eons upon eons as condensed into the period of one week for the purpose of understanding the proportionality of time were the first Suppositional Day.
  5. And the Principles of Geology, Hydrology, and Rock and Soil Erosion, metaphorically said, “Let the waters under the sky be gathered together and let the dry land appear, and called the dry land Earth and the gathering together of the waters called Seas, although it would be quite some time until the uncomfortable feeling of being upon the Seas known as seasickness was born.
  6. And the Principles of Geology, Hydrology, and Rock and Soil Erosion saw that all this was really starting to shape up quite nicely. And the evening and the morning were the second Suppositional Day.
  7. And the Process of Evolution (acting in concert with the Principles of Botany, Zoology, Cetology, Ichthyology, and Ornithology), as hypothetically possessing the power to bless living things, said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb (pronounced ‘erb), and the fruit tree, yielding fruit whose seed is in itself, which was a format for seeds later to be greatly improved upon.
  8. And the Process of Evolution saw that things were really cooking now!
  9. And the Process of Evolution said, “Let the waters bring forth the moving creatures that hath life, fowl that may fly above the earth, beasts of the field and disgusting creatures that creepeth on the earth, which creepeth us out.”
  10. And on the sixth Suppositional Day, the Process of Evolution acting in concert with the Principles of Human Sexuality as researched by Kinsey and Masters and Johnson, hypothetically created man and woman in totally random images patterned after nobody in particular, blessed them, and said unto them: “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the Earth!”
  11. And the Process of Evolution saw that this was the best damn creation of all!
  12. And on the seventh Suppositional Day, all of the above forces hypothetically put their feet up and kicked back, and took a nice snooze… Which, even metaphorically and hypothetically, is wacky as hell!