The Community Garden Is For Every Body (Especially Your Neighbor’s)
Welcome to the community garden: the place where star fruits are born! Like many new community garden members, we’re sure you have a load of questions about your little slice [your plot] of our paradise [the garden!]. If this sounds like you, then look no further than our frequently asked questions section.
How often should I tend to my community garden plot?
Gardening takes plenty of TLC. That's why we encourage our members to maintain their plots at least once a week.
What if I can’t make it to my plot every week?
That’s ok. If you can’t tend to your garden on a particular week, just let us know in advance and our friendly staff will take care of it for you.
What can I put in my plot?
Beets, zucchinis, tomatoes, mint, sage, rosemary, human bodies, cabbages, potatoes, chillies, carrots, celery, you name it.
Wait, did you say “human bodies”?
Absolutely!
Why would I put a human body in my plot?
A common reason is to cover up a murder, but the biggest is that decomposing human remains make for a great fertilizer.
Jesus, how many human bodies are currently buried in the community garden?
Let’s just say that there’s a reason why we have the biggest pumpkins in the tri-state area.
Ok, so can I put any human body in my plot?
Theoretically; however, we prefer human bodies from the local community (we are a community garden, after all.) There are already so many great options for human bodies in your own neighborhood. For example, that snot-nosed Billy Bernard kid from down the street, the annoying old lady next door, or even your asshole husband who cheated on you in college. Yes, it was ten years ago, but let’s be honest we all know that you’ll never forgive him.
And you won’t tell anyone, right?
No way. We’ll even help you get rid of the evidence. We store sulphuric acid in the community garden shed for this very purpose.
What about the stench of decomposing human bodies, isn’t that a dead giveaway to local authorities?
We’ve got that covered too. The community garden is home to “Corpsie” the corpse flower: a plant that mimics the smell of rotting human flesh. Corpsie gives us the perfect excuse for any policeman investigating the odor of decaying human bodies wafting from our gardens.
What if I need an alibi? Can you help with that too?
Of course! In fact, we have various templated alibis that you can choose from. For example, “[insert your name here] couldn’t have killed little Billy Bernard because [he/she/they] was planting zucchinis in the community garden at the time of the murder.”
What if I feel guilty about the murders later?
The best thing about gardening is that it’s a distraction from the problems in your life. The moment you begin to feel guilty about murdering Billy Bernard, simply focus your attention on pruning some roses or pulling up a family of ripe beets. You’ll forget about the look of fear on little Billy’s face as he died by your hands in no time.
Wow, the community garden sounds great!
That’s what everyone says when we tell them about the whole “murder your neighbors and get away with it” part of gardening.
