The Easter Bunny’s Guide to Success

Everyone else on Medium is telling you how to succeed. Now it’s my turn.

Hello. I’m the Easter Bunny. Yes, I’m real.

If you haven’t been getting anything from me on recent Easters, maybe you shouldn’t have stopped believing in me or you should have tried a little harder during Lent.

But enough about you. Let’s talk about me, and how successful I’ve been and how much you can learn from me. After all, what else are blog posts for?

Over the course of my career, I have built a basket-leaving business empire that would make Gary Vaynerchuk humbly weep into his Easter grass.

I have grown my company from a one-bunny startup in a shared office space using one homemade basket and a dozen plastic eggs to the international conglomerate that it is today. How did I do it? Well, it wasn’t easy. And it’ll probably be even harder for you, given my much higher level of intelligence. But if you follow these strategies (and buy my forthcoming book), you can succeed at any endeavor.

A word of warning before we begin: Do not try to enter the basket-leaving industry. There’s simply no room for you in this market. Also, I will destroy you.

Anyway, on to the tips!

1. Stay Hungry.

Some people attribute this quote to Steve Jobs, but I actually said it first. I remember the first basket I left for little Stevie. He dumped out all the candy and ate the basket. He thought it was organic.

The point is, you need to stay hungry to win. I’m constantly hungry. I’m so hungry that sometimes I even dip into my own baskets and eat chocolate versions of myself. Don’t judge me. I saw you eating that chocolate Santa Claus last December, you cannibal.

2. Slow And Steady Gets You Nowhere

I’m sure you’ve all heard the famous story about my Uncle Harey who lost a race to a tortoise. I hate that story. I know he’s my uncle, but he was also a friggin’ idiot. If you’re fast and smart, you’re guaranteed to succeed beyond the wildest dreams of a slow-moving turtle. If I wasn’t fast, do you think I’d be able to deliver Easter baskets to Christian children around the world in one night? Heck no. There’s no room for slow and steady in the breakneck basket-leaving business — you have to be fast and efficient. Trust me, I’m the most efficient bunny you’ve ever seen. I just impregnated six other rabbits while you were reading this bullet point.

3. Build a team

I’m going to let you in on a little industry secret: I haven’t personally delivered baskets in nearly two decades. With more than 100 Easter Basket Fulfillment and Distribution Centers around the world, I manage the day-t0-day business of the organization without ever getting any peeps stuck on my paws anymore. To ensure that your quality remains at a high level, it’s important that you maintain a personal connection to both your employees and to your product, so I am often found on the factory floor cracking jokes with the squirrels I’ve hired to man my assembly lines or polishing eggs with my cottontail.

4. The Carrot or the Stick?

The carrot, obviously. I freaking love them. And you don’t even need a stick! If your squirrels (or employees of other species) are out of line, you can just beat them with one of your larger carrots. I’ve done it many times. It may seem harsh, but your employees will ultimately respect you faster than you can say “Cadbury.”

5. Give Back

Now that I’m not involved in the grind of basket preparation and delivery, I have a lot more free time. When you’ve reached the level of success that I’ve attained, you feel a yanking in your ears to give back. In the month leading up to Easter, I volunteer my time at local shopping malls to pose for photos with children. They’re not sick children, but I guess their parents are a little bit sick for letting their kids pose with a giant humanoid rabbit, so there’s that.