The Fashionista’s Guide to Tank Season
Be on the cutting (and bombing and crushing) edge of fashion
Hey, all you stylish ladies! It’s a crazy world right now. Things are heating up in conflict zones around the globe, various countries are on literal fire, and we may be heading for the hottest event of the millennium — nuclear war!
That means one thing: It’s tank season.
No, not that kind of tank.
THIS KIND.
Soon all the hottest new looks will include variations on these multi-ton death machines, and you can expect them to start turning up on the runway any day now. Why not get ahead of the trend? You, too, can feel chic while defending yourself from mass shootings, foreign aggressors, male aggressors, and your own government.
There are literally tons of cute options available right now — find out which one is right for you!
1. FV101 Scorpion — For the girl on the go
Do you feel like you’re always rushing from one event to another and need a tank that can keep up with your hectic schedule? The British-made FV101 Scorpion is perfect for you. This 8-ton light tank holds the Guinness world record for fastest production tank and can reach speeds of 51.1 mph.
While this tank isn’t as heavily armed or armored as others on this list, you won’t be completely without protection: aluminum armor and a 76 mm L23A1 gun will help you fend off any advances from your boss that you can’t outrun. Whether you’re running errands, meeting up with friends, or fleeing from the USA’s inevitable descent into a theonomic military dictatorship where women are treated like chattel, the FV101 Scorpion will have your back.
Accessorize with: Ironic fire decals
2. Panzer IV — For the girl with a vintage aesthetic
The Panzerkampfwagen IV is a classic, used by the German army during WWII. This 27.6-ton warhorse was the only German tank continuously produced during the war, and this comfortable and versatile tank made a big visual statement on the battlefield with its large hull and three-man turret.
One reason to choose the Panzer IV to complete your pinup look, rather than the flashier Tiger I or Sherman Firefly, is its reliability and easy maintenance. If it was good enough for 30% of the Wehrmacht’s total tank strength, it’s good enough for brunch! Some might take offense at including a Nazi tank in your ensemble, but those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. You learned all about WWII in history class, so this time will definitely be different!
Accessorize with: A glam feather boa and a vintage top hat
3. M1 Abrams — For the girl who wants to make a statement
This 60–72-ton beast is the principal main battle tank of the United States and has featured in all the hippest wars since 1980. It’s an instant classic with serious staying power, and it’s likely to stay au courant for years yet (so long as we keep finding new countries to attack in the Middle East lol!). Expect excellent maneuverability and heavy armor that will keep you safe in the workplace, at concerts, and when dropping your child off at elementary school.
The most up-to-date variant is the 72-ton M1A2. Its M256A1 120 mm smoothbore gun and three supporting machine guns don’t just make a statement — they pound the statement home with enough firepower to knock a hole in a concrete wall from 246 feet away. You’ll never be overlooked in a meeting again!
Accessorize with: Nothing, baby. This murder machine says it all.
4. PL-01 — For the It Girl
Watch out, world! This 33-ton Polish stealth tank won’t be mass produced until 2018, but you can expect the hottest, most trend-setting women to start lining up for it soon. Its modular ceramic-aramid shell can defend against IEDs and landmines, and you can make an explosive entrance yourself with a 120 mm caliber gun that will silence even your most abusive trolls.
This cutting-edge tank is mostly invisible to radar and infrared, and its ability to fool enemy heat imaging sensors into thinking it’s a different vehicle will allow you to transition effortlessly from day to night. With its radiation-absorbent surface, this is the perfect go-to tank for the HBIC, whether you’re visiting the hottest new bars, hunting down street harassers, or taking defensive action after looking at Trump’s Twitter feed.
Accessorize with: A crown fit for a queen bee
5. MRAP (Mine-Resistant Ambush Protected) vehicle — For the girl on a budget
If you listen to your local police department this isn’t technically a tank, but since it weighs 14-18 tons and can withstand IEDs, we’re counting it. This versatile armored vehicle can take you from the battlefields of Iraq to the streets of Ferguson, and its stylish “V”-shaped hull will keep you looking sleek, serious, and ready to take on both landmines and unarmed protestors.
At only $500,000-$1 million, these defensive powerhouses are a steal. For even more of a discount, join your local police force and receive one for free as part of the government’s 1033 program to donate military equipment to civilian law enforcement agencies. It’s highly customizable, too, so feel free to mix and match with emergency lights, loudspeakers, and a closed gun turret that will leave civil rights protesters trembling.
Accessorize with: An enormous bow to help convince the public it isn’t really a threat — you totally only have this because it’s a hand-me-down!
These five tanks are just the beginning. There are many more options out there, and in a world where women aren’t safe anywhere they go and politicians seem just a little too comfortable with threats of war, it would be foolish to pass up this opportunity to develop a more militant aesthetic. It’s a terrifying new world, but with the right tank you can hit the streets with confidence, style, and just the right amount of firepower.
Sarah Hawley is a Los Angeles-based writer and former archaeologist who is currently working on several novels. She enjoys swing dancing, colorful socks, and sympathetic villains and is the co-host of The Wicked Wallflowers Club podcast. You can find her on Twitter at @mssarahhawley.
