The Fast-Casual Restaurant Birthday Song Demands Your Respect
Well, Jesus Dave-Thomas Christ, I didn’t realize hallowed traditions weren’t cool anymore!
Alright, crew, gather ‘round. It’s that time again. Linda, stop washing dishes for a second. Yes, I know that if the congealed fat from the fried shrimp platters is allowed to harden it’ll take a blowtorch to detach the silverware, but this is more important. We’ve got a birthday in the dining room!
Hold it! Everyone get back here. What is this? You’re too good to sing the birthday song? Well, Jesus Dave-Thomas Christ, I didn’t realize that hallowed traditions weren’t cool anymore! Why don’t we burn the uniforms while we’re at it?
Linda, put that polo shirt back on and turn off the burner. Fast-casual birthday chorus lines used to mean something. I had the opportunity — nay — the privilege, to work with some of the true greats before vocal polyps and old age forced me into the hum-drum world of assistant management. You remember Artie “Buy-One-Get-One-Half-Off” Muldoon, the man whose picture has graced my desk, covering my wedding photo, for the past eighteen years? Well, you should.
Artie was a real birthday singer. It didn’t matter if it was a kid throwing a tantrum or an octogenarian nodding off in their spinach…
