The Five Stages Of Grief While Building An Ikea Entertainment Center
Denial
I ordered a 10ft x 6ft wall unit. Why is the box only 4ft x 6 inches?
Seriously, 932 pieces? This can’t be the right package. They made a mistake!
Sixteen small, plastic bags filled with nuts, screws, and dowels. Impossible! No one could transform all of this stuff into a wall unit.
Why does it come with three separate manuals? And why are some of the instructions written in Egyptian hieroglyphics? I’d never order something that says “Assembly Required,” even if it’s written in small print. I don’t even own a hammer!
Is there a return policy on this thing?
Anger
The website never mentioned that I’d need an electric drill.
What the hell is a wall anchor?
How do I know these sketchy-looking dowels aren’t going to make my wall unit collapse like an accordion?
No Ikea, I don’t know what kind of fucking fastener is suitable for my wall. Is there an app for that?
I’m missing a screw. WHERE IS THE DAMN SCREW?
It’s okay. I don’t need that extra shelf, anyway.
Carl put together his entire kitchen with Ikea cabinetry. He said it was easy.
Carl lied.
That woodworking session in shop class didn’t prepare me for putting together a 932 piece furniture puzzle. But I did learn how to make a really nice cutting board.
These edges are supposed to snap into place. Why aren’t they snapping into place?
The idiots at Ikea obviously sent the wrong light bulb. This one doesn’t work.
Screw the lighted glass cabinet — why do I need to showcase the expensive stemware that we never use?
This is bullshit.
I hate you, Carl.
Depression
I have looked into the mouth of particle board hell and seen the second coming… things don’t look very promising for my 60" flatscreen.
Why didn’t I pay more attention in shop class?
Last year I couldn’t put up an under-the-counter can opener…..what made me think I could build a wall unit?
I suck at this.
Thanks to Ikea, I no longer have any self-esteem. It disappeared somewhere between the broken drill bit and the extra holes I made in the plaster wall.
Jonathan Scott makes carpentry look so easy on Property Brothers.
I’m not Jonathan.
The universe hates me.
Carl hates me.
I need a nap.
Bargaining
Dear God, I promise I’ll attend that Sip & Paint class my wife has been bugging me about if you just send some divine guidance on how to glue dowels into the holes for the corners.
I could always trim the wood into small cutting boards and sell them on eBay.
Fine, I’ll ask Carl to help.
Acceptance
I did it! I put together an entire wall unit by myself and it only took six hours!
One of the shelves is slightly crooked, but I’m sure my wife won’t notice.
I can’t wait to show Carl!
Hey, where did this extra bag of dowels come from?
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