The Game of Life, Updated for 2020

More hip, more tech-savvy, and more energy-efficient

Simon Black
Aug 9 · 4 min read
Photo by Randy Fath on Unsplash

We at Milton Bradley are pleased to announce long overdue revisions to bring The Game of Life more up-to-date.

New Gender Pegs

The blue peg is the same, but it is now called cis-male, and the pink is cis-female. The peg that looks like a T is for the They non-binary pronoun.

All original artwork by Caleigh Clark

The peg with a horn is unicorn.

The peg that’s been melted is gender fluid.

The one that looks like a frying pan is pan gender.

Instead of coupling, you will also have the option of thrupling (any combination of three), polyamory (with a group of other pegs) or onanism (pegging yourself?)

New Transport Options

We’re really sorry about the cars in our old game. I mean they looked like real gas guzzlers — almost SUVs. In the new game, all our cars are hybrids, and in addition to these, you now have the option to travel the board in one of the following:

Bird, Lime or Jump Scooter. Don’t forget to park it out of the way of pedestrians, so that when the wind knocks them over they will form an orderly pattern on the ground.

Because weird people should be allowed to play this game too.

There have been some delays at the Tesla factory. Keep an eye on Elon’s Twitter.

High Speed Rail: Just received notice that funding this option has been cancelled by the President, sorry

New Career Cards for the Gig Economy

Freelancer: You work on Fiver, Task Rabbit, Uber and Lyft and two shifts a week as a Barista. But what you really want to do is multi-level marketing.

Salary Day — After factoring in the costs, you actually owe money at the end of each week, sorry.

Virtual Assistant: You live in the Philippines and get paid 5 dollars an hour to do an assortment of tasks for your boss, who lives in Sausalito. He is actually a virtual assistant for a guy in New York, and is subbing all the work out to you and taking a 15 dollar an hour profit for doing diddly squat.

New Real Estate Card

We’re introducing the San Fran Dorm Style Condo Card.

You share a bathroom and kitchen with ten other techies and guess what, it cost you two million dollars. Which is cheap in today’s market.

Enjoy!

New Play Money

Also, we’ll be saving on paper, as there is no paper currency. For the new game we are using a blockchain cryptocurrency we call Lifedough, which will show up in your cell phone and you can transfer via your Lifemo account to any other player or the bank.

New Boardscape:

We have replaced the green grass on the board with drought-tolerant succulents and decomposed granite, gravel, and, well, basically dirt.

New Life in 2020

It’s up-to-date, kind of shitty, and you’ll be paying back those student loans for the rest of your…LIFE!

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Thanks to Alex Baia

Simon Black

Written by

Editor of Downinthedingle.com and author of Me and Kev and The Book of Frank, also The Dog Child and also Crack the Essay, Secrets of Argumentative Writing

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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