The Holidays Can Be Stressful When All Your Family Is Secretly Plotting To Steal Your Bitcoins
Tis the season for celebration, but for many people the holidays are an occasion for stress instead of yuletide joy. Spending time with extended family can be an anxiety-inducing experience when all your relatives are secretly plotting to steal your precious Bitcoins. But don’t worry, there are some simple steps you can take to avoid getting frazzled by your cryptocurrency-craving family and their grubby thieving little fingers.
First off, resist the temptation to dredge up old arguments. Sure, it might be satisfying to point fingers and once again call your grandma an idiot for not buying Bitcoin in 2010 at $0.08 per coin, but what would that accomplish? You hopped onboard the Satoshi Train to Money City while your family foolishly stuck with their United States fiat dollars. You can’t change the past, so there’s no use explaining to them how stupid they were not to hodl BTC and instead remain coinless sheeple beholden to government-backed inflationary currency. Instead of bickering about water under the bridge, stay calm and talk about things that aren’t Bitcoin, like baseball or the weather, so your relatives don’t suspect you’re onto their plan.
Whatever happens, don’t accuse them of planning to rob your Bitcoins because they’ll just deny it, like they always do.
Take comfort in the fact that no family is perfect. In our heads, we all have that ideal storybook image of loving relatives sitting down for Christmas dinner, but in real life families are messy and constantly scheming to loot your Bitcoin wallet. While you’re distracted drinking eggnog, your parents will hack into your laptop, and that’s okay. It’s normal for your mom and dad to be envious of your blockchain bullion, bitterly resentful that their wealth is tied up in a worthless Roth IRA while you can afford to buy all the lambos you want. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter because the laptop you brought is just a decoy laptop, infected with keylogging spyware so you can steal your parents’ email passwords and defensively surveil their online activity.
Despite all your anti-familial countermeasures, you might get stressed out when you think of all the ways the holidays could go wrong. What if the fruitcake is laced with truth serum? What if all your siblings and cousins hold you down and torture you with a carving knife from the suckling pig until you spill your cryptographic secrets? What if your uncle catfishes you online by pretending to be Elon Musk giving away free Ethereum? If you start feeling overwhelmed by worries like these, relax by reminding yourself that you can’t possibly reveal your private key because you don’t actually know it: half of the code is securely stored in a Zurich safe deposit box and the other half is buried in an unmarked pit in the New Mexico desert.
Even if your family somehow against all odds manages to get your password, most of your Bitcoins aren’t in your wallet: they’re invested in a Japanese crypto hedge fund called CoinztekSecurities.jp, so there’s no way you can lose your virtual money unless that website is hacked or turns out to be fraudulent.
Stop stressing over unlikely problems, and instead try to get into the festive spirit and enjoy the holidays! There’s nothing more important than family except for Bitcoins, so treasure the limited time you have with them. Soon you’ll be far away back in San Francisco, sitting down for power lunches with the Winklevoss twins, and then you’ll miss your relatives even though they’re conspiring against you.
When they unwrap their presents and joyfully discover you’ve gifted each of them a kilo of Adderall you bought on the dark web, your family will be so grateful that for a brief second they might forget about stealing your crypto. It’s moments like this that capture the reason for the season, and remind us that love is exactly like Bitcoin: beautiful, eternal, and forever blasting upwards in value to the moon.
