The Hottest Fish of All Time Has to Be the Mermaid

The oceans contain some of the most bio-diverse ecosystems on the planet and are home to many of God’s most beautiful creations. Fish, turtles, whales, eels, sharks, rays, each species is beautiful in their own way, but if I had to chose which I’m most attracted to, I’d have to go with the mermaid. And it’s not even close.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware of the sleek beauty of the Atlantic spotted dolphin. It’s dazzling how they leap out of the water like acrobats. And yes, I’ve seen the psychedelic camouflage display of the cuttlefish. It’s downright mesmerizing. Heck I’ve even swum with a school of spotted eagle rays. It’s an experience I’ll never forget. But ultimately, they’re fish and I’m just not into that.

See, as a straight human man I am physically attracted to human women– specifically topless human women. I cannot tell you how much of my adolescence was spent trying to catch a glimpse of one. And if you look at the anatomy of a mermaid, they look very much like a human woman from the waist up. They’ve got toned arms, flat stomachs, beautiful breasts, and wonderfully luxurious hair that somehow covers those breasts at all times. Plus there’s a human face, which is nice because it’s the part that can talk and make out. I implore you to find another fish with any of those features.

I know what you’re going to say, “But the bottom half is like a fish.” You’re right and I want to make it clear that I find the tail part disgusting. Frankly, if I were with a mermaid, we would definitely have to set some ground rules. For example, I would make sure we hung out in low-water areas where she could hide her scaly fin beneath the water, preferably in an area with a bunch of seaweed. Or here’s an idea, I’d have her go to the beach about ten minutes before I do so she can bury her nasty half under the sand. Or I’d just get real drunk. Either way, these concessions are a small price to pay when the alternative is a moray eel or hammerhead shark. Plus modern science is making major strides in surgery every day. Did you hear they removed a guy’s neck? If they can do that I’m willing to bet within a few years they could give her a pair of legs.

So that’s where I stand; agree with me or not. If you think pirates are getting lured to the depths by common yellowmouth groupers, that’s your opinion. “To each their own.” is a saying I made up. But for my money, I say mermaids are the hottest animals in the sea. Of course if we include land animals, it’s clearly the snow leopard.

Justin works full time at The Onion’s Onion Labs and part time at The Last Blockbuster.